It’s Been 1 Year!

A year ago, I entered a writing contest on Wattpad and came very close to winning.

It may very well be one of the best pieces I’ve ever written but I’ve always been too scared to share it with you. It’s raw. It’s passionate. It shares a part of myself that I’ve often found myself too scared to admit to. I’ve always feared that sharing this piece would hurt me in new ways beyond my imagination. I’ve always known that it may ruin my life as I know it.

I wrote the piece anyways.

Because sometimes you have to say the things you’re scared to say, even if it’s not out loud.

Even if it kills you.

In celebration of the anniversary of when I spoke my truth, I wanted to share it with my followers.

 

Enjoy!

 

https://www.wattpad.com/626691710-to-the-only-boy-i%27ve-ever-loved-my-unsent-letter

(Good chance this might be the last you hear from me for a while so soak it up).

 

Things have changed since then. I know things now that I didn’t know then. And while yes I know I’ll never be enough and some questions are left unasked or answered,  I also know if you don’t let some things go, they slowly eat away at your soul.

 

I’m also very drunk and there’s a good chance I’ll regret this tomorrow, but a good friend told me that if it’s your time, it’s your time and this feels like it. I don’t know. What’s the worst that could happen? I lose my will to live? ha! Jokes on you I already did.

Choices for Voices

We have choices, choices, choices

to be made with difference voices.

And sometimes you speak too loud

because you’re feeling way too proud.

Other times you sit by, mute

your own horn afraid to toot.

It’s hard to tell when to take stand

or when to simply wave your hand.

You want to speak up for yourself

but may only hurt yourself.

Shelf

It’s hard to learn to love yourself

if you never get off the shelf.

What Are We?

I’m tired of the game

and trying to explain

just how you hurt me.

 

With all of your words

I’m split into thirds

thinking what are we?

 

Your power you flaunt;

don’t know what you want.

You keep changing your key.

 

You’re back and you’re forth

What is my worth?

Baby, what are we?

 

You’re up and You’re down

I’m flipped around;

a ship lost at sea.

 

You’re always my choice

but I’m losing my voice.

What about me?

 

Decide our plot.

Want this or not?

What are we?

Iceberg

Sometimes all I can do

is share just the tip of the iceberg

of what makes me depressed.

It’s usually som superficial reason,

I know.

But I can’t find the words to share

about the tons of heavy ice

beneath the surface

that actually make me want to die.

So no one really understands

what the things weighing me down are.

They just see the silly, stupid things

that set me off on a plunge

and think I’m not worthy of help

or love

or attention

because why would sleeping in

be enough reason to kill yourself?

Nobody cares about that.

So no one hears about all the things that came after

like the dreams

or the self-destructive thoughts

or bringing my worth down.

Or feeling like a failure.

Because why would anyone

understand that all these things

are just a result of sleeping late.

Silenced

I am broken,

but silenced.

I feel pain,

but hide it.

I spiral down

but can’t fight it.

I feel emotions

but can’t describe it.

I think bad thoughts

but conceal them.

I paint a picture

but only half.

I need help

but can’t find it.

I’m ignored.

I’m silenced.

Poison

If everyone can emotionally poison me,

then why can’t I physically?

What’s one more toxic thing

to take over what’s left of me?

Too Eager

They say not to suffer in silence,

but yet when I try to speak

they are the same people

taping my mouth shut.

They are all too eager

to offer their help

but only if they decide

you actually need it.

It takes guts to come

forward an admit

that you want to die;

to lay naked for them.

But they can turn

right back around

and laugh: “No way.

You’re kidding, right?

That’s not a real problem.

Just grow the fuck up.”

On goes the tape

and here comes the silence

while the demons inside

continue to poison.

 

 

They Say, I Say

They say

“Don’t suffer in silence!”

I say

“What a crazy lie.”

They say

“I’m here for you.”

I say

“Yeah, here to judge me.”

They say

“I want to help you.”

I say

“Thanks, but no thanks.”

 

Fall Changes

As the air gets colder,

the world begins to change.

Bees find their wings

no longer seem to work.

Tress are stripped bare

of their only disguise,

some times for the last time.

Flowers slowly freeze

and crumble away

until they are nothing

but a victim of death.

 

How lucky they are