No Strangers Here

It’s one of the longest nights of the year

and my soul aches from the pressure it brings.

As the darkness surrounds me,

I open my eyes and see much the same.

I lay in the small, worn bed of my childhood

as the silent tears glide down my face,

softly landing and expanding the never-ceasing puddles.

The tears are no strangers here.

My well-trained pillows are familiar with

muffling the screams and questions

that come straight from my damaged heart:

Why am I not good enough?

Why don’t I deserve love?

No one will ever love a damaged soul like mine.

My soul aches with the weight of carrying questions

that can never be asked or answered.

They are a burden I’m left to ponder

while staring at my ceiling,

trying to make out the faint details in the plaster

as I’ve done so many times before.

I’ve been here before.

I know I’ll be here again.

There’s no way to fix me

and even if there was,

it’s been made clear many times

that no one in my life will ever try.

I’m not worth it.

No one will wastes an “I love you”

on a girl destined to die.

 

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Building​ Self-Esteem

Apparently, you should say 10positivee things for each negtive thing to a child. Since my mother has never done that for me, I will do it for myself in the for of a poem.

I am way too fat

but so what if my stomach isn’t flat?

I enjoy the color of my eyes.

I also have thicc thighs.

My left elbow is pretty cool.

My intelligence has done me well in school.

My natural hair color is okay!

My boobs work like an extra tray!

My lips are a nice shade of pink.

I always get the right amount of zinc.

My eyelashes are nice and full.

I think I have a good soul.

 

Note: it’s harder than it looks. 

 

Positive Reinforcement​

I’ve spent weeks studying my notecards

for my early childhood education exams

and several had to do with positive reinforcement.

They say that when you praise a child,

there should be 10 positive comments

for every single negative.

That is how you build their self-esteem.

What a nice theory.

What the notecard failed to mention

was what age that should stop,

because personally I think never,

but I think my mother gave up on that

around the time I turned 8 weeks old.

I’m doing good in life

even if I am overweight.

Where’s my positvity?

Where is my self-esteem?

A Love Poem

I want to write a love poem,

but that requires not only someone to write about,

but someone to love.

And while I’m sure if I took a moment

and gave it some thought,

I could find someone to write a poem about

because it doesn’t take much for me to love someone.

I have a lot of love to share with the world

and if you’re important in my life,

I probably love you.

Family, friends, students.

If I can put your name to your face,

the odds are I love you.\

 

The problem is it takes something more

then just me loving someone

to write a good love poem.

Lovee poems need a certain magic

that only comes from being loved back.

A love poem is not nearly as heartfelt

as when there is a sense of an unbreakable bond.

At this time, the only unconditional love

that meets this condition in my life

is my dog.

And she can’t read sooooooo…

no love poems today.

 

Some Days

I don’t like the way I look,

for there is very little I can do to change it.

Believe me, I’ve tried many times.

I eat healthily, gain weight.

I go to the gym four times a week, pants don’t fit.

I do the expensive programs and the result?

my wallet slimmer, not me.

I do what I can to accept this is who I am though.

I’ll just always be a big girl.

It is what it is.

However, some days this is harder than others.

Like yesterday when I was getting dressed

and I found a new stretch mark.

I went back to bed and cried for three hours.

Why can’t I be someone else?

 

My Christmas Wishlist

I am an adult, but I still want things

but mostly they are for the joy they bring.

To me, it wouldn’t be Christmas without

doing these things to get spirit on route.

-Putting up a tree and decking it out

with candy canes and ornaments, no doubt.

-Baking cookies for those naughty or nice

and those who were willing to brave the ice.

-Driving or walking to see Christmas lights,

has to be one of my favorite highlights.

-Wrapping the presents, taping them just so

(and when I mess up cover with a bow)

-Singing Christmas carols loud enough to hear

sharing tidings, comfort and of course cheer!

-Sitting by the fire with those I love,

there is nothing else I would put above.

 

A Letter to God

Hey,

It’s me.

I know it’s been a long while.

Things have been hard,

which I’m sure you’re aware of.

I’d like to say that I’m sorry that I stopped believing in you,

but can you blame me?

I prayed to you every single night

begging you to make things better,

to stop my demons,

but it was like you never heard me.

Every time I said I couldn’t take any more,

you came up with something else

to add to my already full plate.

You took the mother of my emotionally abusive father.

You moved my best friend, and only support, to a different school.

You took away our only income

and filled my head with horrible thoughts

Yet I tried.

I tried to keep believing

that you had something better

just around the corner

and if I just kept believing

and hoping

and trucking along,

I would see it.

So I did.

Until you know who happened

and did you know what to me.

Why would you let that happen?

Why would you punish me for following

YOUR rules.

I just couldn’t do it.

I couldn’t believe that anyone

who was supposed to watch over me

and have a  plan for me,

because he loved me,

would ever put such a horrible thing in my plan.

So I just stopped.

I stopped believing.

 

But maybe,

just maybe,

I’d like to believe again.

I’d like to believe that

someone else out there is making all the plans for me

since I really have no idea what I’m doing anymore.

But it’s hard for me.

I have trust issues

and you’re a big reason why.

I expected other people here on earth

to turn away from me

when I asked for help,

but I didn’t think you would too.

I want to trust in. you again though.

I want to feel loved again.

I would really like to feel like someone out there

not only wants my love

but wants to love me too.

 

As I said earlier,

things have been kinda rough lately,

but I’d like one more chance

if you’re willing to let me give you

one more chance too.

Just one good thing.

That’s all I ask.

In my string of hard times,

please give me something new to hold on to.

Something I can believe in.

Give me a sign that maybe,

just maybe,

you’re out there listening this time around.

Help me trust again.

 

Sincerely,

Me.

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait

They say “good things come to those who wait”…

but do they?

That’s what I believed for 15 years

because  that’s what I was taught;

that’s what I was preached.

I was told that good things would come

if I waited until I was married

and loved

and cared for.

Good things would come if I was patient;

if I followed the rules;

if I trusted in God.

And I did.

I did everything I was supposed to do.

So where were my good things?

All I got was trauma;

and nightmares.

and the fear no one will ever want or love me now.

I am damaged.

I am broken.

But

I did what I was supposed to do.

I was waiting

but someone else decided I was not,

So I guess I don’t deserve good things.