Recurring​

I’m sitting on the crisp, chilled railing,

wet with dew or my desperate tears

(I’m numb so I’m just not sure).

Two feet dangling far above the water,

reflected back to me on the midnight surface

calling me closer to the glass below,

but that is not what is taunting me.

It’s the wall build-up in front of me.

There are many walls in my life,

built to keep me from finding happiness

but this one is real and I envy it

for it know things that I guess I never will.

I never thought unmoving cement

could be more valuable than me,

could be more deserving than me,

but yet it has been given things

that I can never earn.

But yet I still have hope.

So I give it one more chance.

Maybe, just maybe this time

I’ll know those feelings once.

I pick up my phone,

wait an eternity for one,

two, three rings

before I here a hello,

sturdy, reliable as ever.

I do not wait precious time,

knowing I have little left to spare.

I jump straight to the chase

and say the words that need a response.

The pause is fat and painful.

the delay hurts me to my core

knowing this time, like every time

the answer will be the same.

I do not wait for the answer,

I can’t feel more abandoned or betrayed.

Before I release my hands

and slip into the quiet unknown,

I saw my last farewell

“Dam I guess you win”.

But that dark, quiet unknown

that I think will let me escape

wakes me into reality

which is darker than any dream.

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