Did you know that On my birthday,,
for the last nine years straight
I’ve wished for the same thing?
It’s the one thing I want,
more than anything else in the world
and I can’t have it.
But at least on my birthday,
I can feel a little extra magical
and have faith that maybe this year
it will be different.
This year, it’ll happen.
This year, my dream will come true.
But I know it’s childish to think
that blowing out a candle
can make dreams come true.
But I have to hope.
It feels like the only chance I have/
I know I am an adult
and I need to be practical
and think of my needs.
not my wants.
I’m a grown-ass woman
and I have to think of others.
Let me have my tantrum!
Let me have a moment.
Let me be selfish for once.
I want a relationship.
I want a commitment.
I want romance.
I want goodnight texts.
and “I Love Yous” at
the end of phone calls.
I want sappy Facebook posts
and to stop feeling left out of life.
I want to stop holding myself back
all the goddamn time.
I want to feel like I am valid-
like I am allowed to have feelings.
I’m tired of pretending I’m fine
when I’m really fucking not.
I needed a moment.
This will do.
Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.
I get depressed when I drink.
But only after I let myself hope.
There’s always that point
where I feel invincible; unstoppable-
I find the happiness I feel like
is always missing in my life.
I want to keep feeling that way.
I want to release the words
that hold me back when sober.
I get close to speaking them
but I can’t. I won’t.
I know it will only hurt me.
So I bottle it in until I cry
and it consumes me
until everyone thinks that the
drinking makes me depressed.
But It doesn’t. It makes me feel;
happy, hopeful, wishful, brave.
It’s reality bringing me down.