Summer rays of light
brown my pale skin
that has been hidden inside
for 3 long months
as I hide from dangers
that were out of my control.
As I lay in the damp grass,
using my mind to persuade
spiders to not crawl across
my oily, burning legs,
I can’t help but wonder
which side to lay on
to let the sun’s heat
to warm up my soul
because I’m afraid
too much pain
has made me cold and bitter.
I’m afraid that combo
is only desirable
in a Starbucks
freshly iced coffee,
not in a soulmate,
I can spend hours each day
looking at hundreds of faces,
swiping yes or no,
hoping one of them will give
me the life I desperately want.
But I think both you and I know
that won’t happen because
the one face I want and need
will never be there.
When walking along a path,
you may find a rock in your shoe.
It may cause you pain over and over,
until you give in and ignore it
or take your show off and remove the rock.
When choosing to remove the rock,
one must be careful to not pick up
something to cause more sharp pain
like a piece of glass when you
dip your toes back in your shoe.
You may think you were making
your situation better by not allowing
yourself to be burdened by repeated pain
when actually you are opening up
to deeper, intense pain like me.
Don’t be a fool like me.
What was your safety blanket as a child?
Mine had Noah’s ark and ruffles on the edges.
Or maybe it was a toy that made you feel
secure and melted your troubles away.
As you grew up, what did you turn to
to get that same feeling of safety?
What makes you feel secure and loved?
I haven’t had a safety blanket in about 15 years,
Those ideas of security and safety are just concepts
that I can’t grasp my insecure head around.
I crave those feelings but most days it’s like
I’m grasping at straws hidden in a foggy haze.
I long to find that one thing that brings my innocence back
since it always finds ways to be taken from me.
So I ask again, what makes you feel safe and secure?
Or am I destined for a life on the edge of uncertainty?
My heart is breaking
and trying to find the words
to describe the pain is
as easy as trying to grasp
at the pain and hollowness
left in it’s place.
Ther are no words to really share
the level of lonliness I feel.
I could tell you I feel broken
but you’ll never understand.
You’ll never understand
the gut-wrenchingly awful
over-consuming feeling I have
when struck with the realization
that I am so broken beyond repair
that I will never deserve love.