The Peak

The problem with climbing a mountain

is that at the peak, you’re on top of the world,

but the bottom is still there,

it’s just a much further fall now.

Advertisements

Downhill

When I was driving through the mountains,

I eventually had to come out the other side

which meant I was going downhill.

I didn’t realize though that even after

driving through the flat cornfields of Ohio,

I would still feel like I’m going downhill

a whole week later.

 

No Strangers Here

It’s one of the longest nights of the year

and my soul aches from the pressure it brings.

As the darkness surrounds me,

I open my eyes and see much the same.

I lay in the small, worn bed of my childhood

as the silent tears glide down my face,

softly landing and expanding the never-ceasing puddles.

The tears are no strangers here.

My well-trained pillows are familiar with

muffling the screams and questions

that come straight from my damaged heart:

Why am I not good enough?

Why don’t I deserve love?

No one will ever love a damaged soul like mine.

My soul aches with the weight of carrying questions

that can never be asked or answered.

They are a burden I’m left to ponder

while staring at my ceiling,

trying to make out the faint details in the plaster

as I’ve done so many times before.

I’ve been here before.

I know I’ll be here again.

There’s no way to fix me

and even if there was,

it’s been made clear many times

that no one in my life will ever try.

I’m not worth it.

No one will wastes an “I love you”

on a girl destined to die.

 

Some Days

I don’t like the way I look,

for there is very little I can do to change it.

Believe me, I’ve tried many times.

I eat healthily, gain weight.

I go to the gym four times a week, pants don’t fit.

I do the expensive programs and the result?

my wallet slimmer, not me.

I do what I can to accept this is who I am though.

I’ll just always be a big girl.

It is what it is.

However, some days this is harder than others.

Like yesterday when I was getting dressed

and I found a new stretch mark.

I went back to bed and cried for three hours.

Why can’t I be someone else?

 

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait

They say “good things come to those who wait”…

but do they?

That’s what I believed for 15 years

because  that’s what I was taught;

that’s what I was preached.

I was told that good things would come

if I waited until I was married

and loved

and cared for.

Good things would come if I was patient;

if I followed the rules;

if I trusted in God.

And I did.

I did everything I was supposed to do.

So where were my good things?

All I got was trauma;

and nightmares.

and the fear no one will ever want or love me now.

I am damaged.

I am broken.

But

I did what I was supposed to do.

I was waiting

but someone else decided I was not,

So I guess I don’t deserve good things.

Those Words

“You’re such a spoiled brat.

I don’t have time for your petty problems.

I have to take care of myself.”

Those are the words you yelled at me

as I sat in the hall

after you hung up on my friend

who told you I was going to try to kill myself.

Coincidentally,

those are also the words you yelled at me

when I decided that I hated you

because I knew at that point

I could never forgive you.

 

9 Years

9 years.

That’s a long time.

That’s how long I was waiting.

Waiting for you to notice me.

Waiting for you to see me.

Waiting for you to say you love me.

Waiting for you to hear me cry myself to sleep,

maybe on just one of those nights

and to ask me what was wrong.

That’s 3,287 chances you had

and you didn’t use any of them.

So now here we are.

You want to make amends

and try to make  it up to me for

all the times you ignored me

when I needed you most;

when you were all that I needed.

But you have damaged me.

I cannot be fixed.

I cannot be retaught that I deserve love

after all the times you showed me I did not.

 

 

 

 

Holiday Feels

Nothing quite brings out the “Holiday Feels”

like being the only single one at the table.

Nothing reminds me of the hurt

filling my empty heart

like seeing the love and joy that fills many others.

Nothing brings me such pain

as dreaded questions and comments like

“Why didn’t you bring someone?” or

“Oh, well there’s always next year”.

Nothing brings me such envy

as seeing kisses and tenderness

that I can only imagine in dreams

Nothing brings me the “Holiday Feels”

like being subjected to time with family.