But I Can’t, But I Won’t, But I Want to.

There are so many things I want to say,

but I can’t,

but I won’t,

but I want to.

 

I have questions I need to ask

but I can’t,

but I won’t,

but I want to.

 

I need to get my answers

but I can’t,

but I won’t,

but I want to.

 

I want to stop holding back,

but I can’t,

but I won’t,

but I want to.

 

I wish I could stop biting my tongue,

but I can’t,

but I won’t,

but I want to.

 

I want to end each call with I love you,

but I can’t,

but I won’t

but I want to.

 

I want to tell you how I feel,

but I can’t,

but I won’t

but I want to.

 

I want you to admit how you feel

but you can’t,

but you won’t,

but I want you to.

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No Friends

When I say I don’t have friends,

I don’t mean I have no friends.

I mean I have no friends here

anymore to do things with.

It’s hard to be the one who

stayed. It’s lonely without you.

 

No Strangers Here

It’s one of the longest nights of the year

and my soul aches from the pressure it brings.

As the darkness surrounds me,

I open my eyes and see much the same.

I lay in the small, worn bed of my childhood

as the silent tears glide down my face,

softly landing and expanding the never-ceasing puddles.

The tears are no strangers here.

My well-trained pillows are familiar with

muffling the screams and questions

that come straight from my damaged heart:

Why am I not good enough?

Why don’t I deserve love?

No one will ever love a damaged soul like mine.

My soul aches with the weight of carrying questions

that can never be asked or answered.

They are a burden I’m left to ponder

while staring at my ceiling,

trying to make out the faint details in the plaster

as I’ve done so many times before.

I’ve been here before.

I know I’ll be here again.

There’s no way to fix me

and even if there was,

it’s been made clear many times

that no one in my life will ever try.

I’m not worth it.

No one will wastes an “I love you”

on a girl destined to die.

 

Holiday Feels

Nothing quite brings out the “Holiday Feels”

like being the only single one at the table.

Nothing reminds me of the hurt

filling my empty heart

like seeing the love and joy that fills many others.

Nothing brings me such pain

as dreaded questions and comments like

“Why didn’t you bring someone?” or

“Oh, well there’s always next year”.

Nothing brings me such envy

as seeing kisses and tenderness

that I can only imagine in dreams

Nothing brings me the “Holiday Feels”

like being subjected to time with family.

I Wish I Was Pretty

I wish I was pretty.

Guys always go for the pretty girls.

They never settle for girls that are nice.

If they’re both that’s a plus,

but it’s never just because they’re nice.

I wish I was pretty,

but I’m not. I’m the nice girl.

I get overlooked because I’m not enough.

I wish I was pretty

so I could finally be good enough

to deserve to be loved.

 

 

The World Moves On

Sometimes I watch as the world moves on

while I am standing perfectly still.

I am hidden underneath blankets,

trying to feel smaller than I am.

In moments like these, I can see that

when I am trying to disappear

and forgotten from the world, I am.

The world doesn’t need me or miss me.

The world goes on with or without me.

Would it really be that bad if I

just disappeared? I’m not needed here.

If I was, the world would notice.

The world would care that I’m at my end,

But the world doesn’t. It will go on.

I will be forgotten when I die.

My impact is so minuscule that

after the blink of an eye, my death

will be a tally added to the

billions who faded out before me.

You don’t think about any of them,

nor will you think about me in  time

because the world moves on without me

 

 

 

Just Yesterday

Just yesterday I was dreaming.

I pictured us 12 years from now

at our son’s 5th birthday party.

His older sister was playing

soccer with their friends,

running around our pool.

Family members were arriving,

they could see our happiness.

They commented on my glow

when I said there’d be one more.

In that future, I was happy.

I had something to live for,

to look forward to someday.

But today, I know I don’t.

When I think of my future,

I see nothing but darkness.

I see you won’t be there

to be the light of my world.

I don’t have a future anymore.

I don’t have hopes and dreams.

I have a death wish instead

because a life without you

isn’t a life I want to live.

 

Consumed

Well, it happened. It has finally won.

The darkness that I have worked

so hard to fend off over the years

has finally consumed me.

All the smiles you gave me

that shone a light to frighten them off

are now ancient history.

I know there will never be another

time a look from you will make me happy

because I know.

I know that you don’t think I’m special

and that I’m not good enough.

I may go through the same motions as her

but you will never love me.

That thought has forever darkened my soul

and I am just a hollow shell

that the darkness has filled.

I won’t bother struggling anymore

since I know there isn’t a happy ending

waiting for me on the other side anymore.

It has won and I’ll never be the same.