I Would Be an Amazing Girlfriend

I would be amazing girlfriend.

I would always ask about your day.

I would inquire about your family.

I would send you memes when you need a laugh.

I would have a shoulder when you need to vent.

I would bake you cookies to make you smile.

I would take care of you when you are sick.

I would squeeze your hand for gentle encouragement.

I would hold you hand on walks in the park

I would light up every time I see you.

I would get your family to love me too.

I would kiss you goodnight and goodbye in the mornings.

I would flirt and banter until all hours of the night.

I would sometimes know where we should go out to eat.

I would have great ideas about cute dates.

I would love you until the end of time.

I would be everything you could ever dream of.

I would be an amazing girlfriend….

but no one will give me the chance.

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One Little Christmas Light

Darkness is void of all colors.

It consumes everything around it.

Where you see nothing, you hear nothing.

You can only focus on the bleak emptiness-

That is until someone adds a little color to it.

One little Christmas light may not

be the thing that brightens the word,

but with a whole string,

a whole house,

a whole yard full,

the world seems a lot more promising.

So it is with you.

My world was dark until you added to it-

a whole lot of smiles

a whole lot of laughter

a whole day with you.

You filled my darkness with light

and the world seems a lot more promising.

Tinder

I can spend hours each day

looking at hundreds of faces,

swiping yes or no,

hoping one of them will give

me the life I desperately want.

But I think both you and I know

that won’t happen because

the one face I want and need

will never be there.

A Rock in Your Shoe

When walking along a path,

you may find a rock in your shoe.

It may cause you pain over and over,

until you give in and ignore it

or take your show off and remove the rock.

When choosing to remove the rock,

one must be careful to not pick up

something to cause more sharp pain

like a piece of glass when you

dip your toes back in your shoe.

You may think you were making

your situation better by not allowing

yourself to be burdened by repeated pain

when actually you are opening up

to deeper, intense pain like me.

Don’t be a fool like me.

Safety Blanket

What was your safety blanket as a child?

Mine had Noah’s ark and ruffles on the edges.

Or maybe it was a toy that made you feel

secure and melted your troubles away.

As you grew up, what did you turn to

to get that same feeling of safety?

What makes you feel secure and loved?

I haven’t had a safety blanket in about 15 years,

Those ideas of security and safety are just concepts

that I can’t grasp my insecure head around.

I crave those feelings but most days it’s like

I’m grasping at straws hidden in a foggy haze.

I long to find that one thing that brings my innocence back

since it always finds ways to be taken from me.

So I ask again, what makes you feel safe and secure?

Or  am I destined for a life on the edge of uncertainty?

Escape into My Dreams

Sometimes,

when I’m up late

and I need to

come up with

a dream so I can

stop crying and

maybe get some

much needed sleep,

I dream of what

it would be like

to marry young

and finally be

able to escape

this hellhole

and never have

to look back again.

Could it really

be so easy?

Is that the price

of my freedom?

If so, I don’t think

dreams and reality

operate on the

same currency.

But I Can’t, But I Won’t, But I Want to.

There are so many things I want to say,

but I can’t,

but I won’t,

but I want to.

 

I have questions I need to ask

but I can’t,

but I won’t,

but I want to.

 

I need to get my answers

but I can’t,

but I won’t,

but I want to.

 

I want to stop holding back,

but I can’t,

but I won’t,

but I want to.

 

I wish I could stop biting my tongue,

but I can’t,

but I won’t,

but I want to.

 

I want to end each call with I love you,

but I can’t,

but I won’t

but I want to.

 

I want to tell you how I feel,

but I can’t,

but I won’t

but I want to.

 

I want you to admit how you feel

but you can’t,

but you won’t,

but I want you to.

No Friends

When I say I don’t have friends,

I don’t mean I have no friends.

I mean I have no friends here

anymore to do things with.

It’s hard to be the one who

stayed. It’s lonely without you.

 

No Strangers Here

It’s one of the longest nights of the year

and my soul aches from the pressure it brings.

As the darkness surrounds me,

I open my eyes and see much the same.

I lay in the small, worn bed of my childhood

as the silent tears glide down my face,

softly landing and expanding the never-ceasing puddles.

The tears are no strangers here.

My well-trained pillows are familiar with

muffling the screams and questions

that come straight from my damaged heart:

Why am I not good enough?

Why don’t I deserve love?

No one will ever love a damaged soul like mine.

My soul aches with the weight of carrying questions

that can never be asked or answered.

They are a burden I’m left to ponder

while staring at my ceiling,

trying to make out the faint details in the plaster

as I’ve done so many times before.

I’ve been here before.

I know I’ll be here again.

There’s no way to fix me

and even if there was,

it’s been made clear many times

that no one in my life will ever try.

I’m not worth it.

No one will wastes an “I love you”

on a girl destined to die.

 

Holiday Feels

Nothing quite brings out the “Holiday Feels”

like being the only single one at the table.

Nothing reminds me of the hurt

filling my empty heart

like seeing the love and joy that fills many others.

Nothing brings me such pain

as dreaded questions and comments like

“Why didn’t you bring someone?” or

“Oh, well there’s always next year”.

Nothing brings me such envy

as seeing kisses and tenderness

that I can only imagine in dreams

Nothing brings me the “Holiday Feels”

like being subjected to time with family.