Trinkets

It makes my heart so sad

to hear all these girls talk

about what they want

(and will probably get)

for valentines day.

They want flowers

and cards

and chocolates

and candies

and teddy bears

and big gestures

and I am insanely jealous.

Not of the things they’ll get,

because stupid trinkets

from an aisle at Walmart

don’t interest me.

I envy their status;

their position;

the fact that they are

in a place where they can

have and set expectations

such as these meaningless items

because all I want

are three short words

but I will never hear them.

Instead, I’ll get three different words instead:

you’re not enough.

 

And I never will be.

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A Letter to God

Hey,

It’s me.

I know it’s been a long while.

Things have been hard,

which I’m sure you’re aware of.

I’d like to say that I’m sorry that I stopped believing in you,

but can you blame me?

I prayed to you every single night

begging you to make things better,

to stop my demons,

but it was like you never heard me.

Every time I said I couldn’t take any more,

you came up with something else

to add to my already full plate.

You took the mother of my emotionally abusive father.

You moved my best friend, and only support, to a different school.

You took away our only income

and filled my head with horrible thoughts

Yet I tried.

I tried to keep believing

that you had something better

just around the corner

and if I just kept believing

and hoping

and trucking along,

I would see it.

So I did.

Until you know who happened

and did you know what to me.

Why would you let that happen?

Why would you punish me for following

YOUR rules.

I just couldn’t do it.

I couldn’t believe that anyone

who was supposed to watch over me

and have a  plan for me,

because he loved me,

would ever put such a horrible thing in my plan.

So I just stopped.

I stopped believing.

 

But maybe,

just maybe,

I’d like to believe again.

I’d like to believe that

someone else out there is making all the plans for me

since I really have no idea what I’m doing anymore.

But it’s hard for me.

I have trust issues

and you’re a big reason why.

I expected other people here on earth

to turn away from me

when I asked for help,

but I didn’t think you would too.

I want to trust in. you again though.

I want to feel loved again.

I would really like to feel like someone out there

not only wants my love

but wants to love me too.

 

As I said earlier,

things have been kinda rough lately,

but I’d like one more chance

if you’re willing to let me give you

one more chance too.

Just one good thing.

That’s all I ask.

In my string of hard times,

please give me something new to hold on to.

Something I can believe in.

Give me a sign that maybe,

just maybe,

you’re out there listening this time around.

Help me trust again.

 

Sincerely,

Me.

One-Way Street

I’m tired of being alone,

but I’m also tired of trying.

Why am I the only one?

Why is this a one-way street?

It feels like when I reach out,

people step away from me.

Friends make excuses,

dates cancel plans,

and family tells me to go away.

I’m never enough,

no matter my intentions.

Why aren’t I good enough?

What do I have to do

to get some love around here?

SHouldn’t everyone be loved?

Why am I the exception?

Nobody There

Three years.

That’s how long it took

for me to work up the courage

to call counseling services

to try to get myself help

and there was nobody there.

 

I’ll never call again.

I’ll never get better.

All because the one time

I conquered my anxiety

and tried to reach out

to find nobody there.

Alone for the Holiday

Alone, yet again

for another holiday.

Me myself and I

will be present Christmas day.

No one to snuggle

and kiss under mistletoe.

No one to bring home

There’s no one to want to go.

Alone, yet again

No reason for me to brag.

To Christmas dinner

My parents will have to drag.

I love Christmas time,

but it gets harder each year.

No one to love me,

Kills all of my Christmas cheer.

 

No One Loves Me


No one loves me,

And I honestly think no one ever will.

I can’t keep telling myself this,

But I can’t stop either.

I can’t tell myself that it will be okay, that

That tomorrow will be different

When tomorrow never is.

I can’t pretend someone loves me

Because it only hurts more

When reality sets in

And I have to face the truth.

No one loves me,

And I can’t change that.

I can’t ask someone to love me

When I know the answer already.

Why set myself up for failure.

If someone loves me,

They would have told me by now,

And I wouldn’t have to spend

Another night alone,

Crying into my pillow

Hoping my heart will stop

So that the tears finally end.

The Elephant in the Room

I’m sitting on a hillside,
And I feel like I don’t belong.
It’s how I feel every day,
Amongst other people.
Everything around me is calm.
Everything has a place
And a role to fill.
Everything does what it’s supposed to
Except for me.
What am I doing here?
I do everything wrong.
Everything feels like a mistake.
It’s no wonder I’m not happy.
How could I possibly be?
I don’t have a purpose.
I don’t have anywhere I belong.
I stick out of everywhere.
I’m the elephant in the room
No one wants to talk about.
What’s wrong with me?
Why aren’t I normal?
Why can’t I just be happy?
Those are all difficult questions
That no one wants to ask.
It’s so much easier to ignore me.
It lets everyone and everything
Go on with their lives.