Most Lonely Feeling of All

This time of year is always hard for me.

I see everyone around me in love

and more than anything I wish I could be.

I can’t even walk in a Walmart for

at least another two weeks, minimum,

because to see all of those shelves full of

trinkets that to show how much you care

remind me how little no one in my life does.

I’m not saying that a $5 stuffed animal

or a stale heart box of chocolates

measures how much some one loves you,

but when you have none of those things,

it makes it glaringly obvious to all

that I have not a person in my life

that was even willing to give it a try

and that it the most lonely feeling of all.

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Had

What I think:

I had the virus.

I could have died.

What they think:

You had the virus.

You could still make me die.

Cold and Bitter

Summer rays of light

brown my pale skin

that has been hidden inside

for 3 long months

as I hide from dangers

that were out of my control.

As I lay in the damp grass,

using my mind to persuade

spiders to not crawl across

my oily, burning legs,

I can’t help but wonder

which side to lay on

to let the sun’s heat

to warm up my soul

because I’m afraid

too much pain

has made me cold and bitter.

I’m afraid that combo

is only desirable

in a Starbucks

freshly iced coffee,

not in a soulmate,

Look in the Mirror

Look in the mirror

and what do I see?

All the reasons

no one will ever

want to love me.

My chin is round.

My face is lumpy.

My fat rolls make

me far to bumpy.

My lips are chap.

My teeth are not straight.

Is it really a wonder

I’ll never find a date?

My image is too wide.

My arms have fat that flaps.

I waddle, not walk,

each step my thigh claps.

My stomach is attrocious.

My legs have no appeal.

I’m going to die alone.

I’m only being real.

 

Amaze me

It never ceases to amaze me

that there are people in the world

that don’t have to stay up

until 3 in the morning

crying into the darkness

wondering if anyone will ever love them

because to me it just a part

of my nightly routine.

365 Chances

There are 365 days in a year

which means I’ve 365 chances

to get someone to fall in love with me

but once again I’m empty-handed;

a failure in society’s eyes.

Yet another year to go by

wondering why I’m unlovable;

not go enough for anyone

let alone THE one.

Another holiday to be sent

tortured with the concept that

It will always be like this for me:

alone and depressing.

On the bright side,

the wine industry is about to take all my money.

Not like I have anyone else to spend it on.

 

 

Hopeless

I’m a hopeless romantic,

empahsis on the hopeless.

I’d like to say I’m more

on the romantic side,

but who would be there

to confirm my alibi?

No one, like always.

So all those dreams

and hidden smiles

and contained laughs

and audible sighs

will just have to wait

because who would be there

to enjoy what I have to

offer to the world?

No one, like always.

 

A Pumpkin

Sometimes I wish I were a pumpkin

because when looking for a pumpkin,

the bigger and rounder the better.

Maybe then someone would want me.

Trinkets

It makes my heart so sad

to hear all these girls talk

about what they want

(and will probably get)

for valentines day.

They want flowers

and cards

and chocolates

and candies

and teddy bears

and big gestures

and I am insanely jealous.

Not of the things they’ll get,

because stupid trinkets

from an aisle at Walmart

don’t interest me.

I envy their status;

their position;

the fact that they are

in a place where they can

have and set expectations

such as these meaningless items

because all I want

are three short words

but I will never hear them.

Instead, I’ll get three different words instead:

you’re not enough.

 

And I never will be.

A Letter to God

Hey,

It’s me.

I know it’s been a long while.

Things have been hard,

which I’m sure you’re aware of.

I’d like to say that I’m sorry that I stopped believing in you,

but can you blame me?

I prayed to you every single night

begging you to make things better,

to stop my demons,

but it was like you never heard me.

Every time I said I couldn’t take any more,

you came up with something else

to add to my already full plate.

You took the mother of my emotionally abusive father.

You moved my best friend, and only support, to a different school.

You took away our only income

and filled my head with horrible thoughts

Yet I tried.

I tried to keep believing

that you had something better

just around the corner

and if I just kept believing

and hoping

and trucking along,

I would see it.

So I did.

Until you know who happened

and did you know what to me.

Why would you let that happen?

Why would you punish me for following

YOUR rules.

I just couldn’t do it.

I couldn’t believe that anyone

who was supposed to watch over me

and have a  plan for me,

because he loved me,

would ever put such a horrible thing in my plan.

So I just stopped.

I stopped believing.

 

But maybe,

just maybe,

I’d like to believe again.

I’d like to believe that

someone else out there is making all the plans for me

since I really have no idea what I’m doing anymore.

But it’s hard for me.

I have trust issues

and you’re a big reason why.

I expected other people here on earth

to turn away from me

when I asked for help,

but I didn’t think you would too.

I want to trust in. you again though.

I want to feel loved again.

I would really like to feel like someone out there

not only wants my love

but wants to love me too.

 

As I said earlier,

things have been kinda rough lately,

but I’d like one more chance

if you’re willing to let me give you

one more chance too.

Just one good thing.

That’s all I ask.

In my string of hard times,

please give me something new to hold on to.

Something I can believe in.

Give me a sign that maybe,

just maybe,

you’re out there listening this time around.

Help me trust again.

 

Sincerely,

Me.