Control

I like to believe that I am in control.

That I am independent.

I mean I worked my ass off for a degree

by myself.

I saved up for 5 years and bought a car

by myself.

I have a good paying part-time job

by myself.

I’m looking for a big girl career now

by myself.

But yet no matter how what I do

to make myself feel like

an accomplished adult

I will always be trapped.

For I may have a degree,

a car,

a job,

but you will always make sure

that you still control

some small piece of my life

so that I always have to come back

to this horrid place.

You will always keep me dependent

so that I can never escape,

even though this atmosphere is toxic

and is killing me; suffacting me

making my accomplishments

as worthless as myself.

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What do I Want

As my undergraduate career comes to a close

in less than three weeks from today,

I’m finding that the amount of people that

are asking me what my plans are for

after I graduate is increasing substantially.

But the truth is that I really don’t have an answer

to satisfy their curious minds because

I truly don’t know what I am going to do.

Believe me: it’s more frustrating than you know.

I would love to have just one simple answer

to give upon request, but the thing is

that is so much harder to achieve than I thought.

There are so many options at my fingertips

that it is hard to pick just one to follow.

I tried on one, and decided I didn’t like it

and now I feel stuck once again.

As the world I know around me rushes to a close,

I find myself lost in the whirlwind with no direction

and it fills me with an anxiety I can’t describe.

People confront me and I don’t know what I want.

Well, I do.

It’s just not…

I don’t know: A possibility? Viable? Realistic?

It adds to my frustration even more.

I know when people ask me what’s next for me

they want information about my upcoming career,

but I guess the truth is that

that’s not what is important to me.

I have other matters of the heart and soul

to take care of first and until those are met

I can’t focus on anything else.

But my time is running out

and so is the money in my bank account.

I know I need to make a decision.

The pressure is on, but will I be a diamond?

Or will I just crumble?

Doors

 

These days,  I often find myself drowning

In trying to figure out what I want with my life.

There is an overwhelming amount of options

Forme to simply choose just one.

With graduation and my degree arriving

In the extremely near future,

It opens up for me enough opportunities to do

Just about anything I could ever imagine.

Which is just absolutely horrifying for me.  

Because of the limited amount of dreams

I’ve accumulated during my lifetime,

I have no idea what I want to door with my life.

I don’t know what kind of job I want

Or where on earth I want to live.

That means literally all the doors are open

And I could go anywhere and do anything

Which causes me immense anxiety

Because all the doors are equally exciting and plausible.

 

I suppose there is  one particular door

that I lean towards more than others

But I can’t go through it right now

unless somebody tells me to.  

I so desperately want to go through that door

But I can’t go through with it until

You give me your blessing.

But you say that now is not a good time.

The door isn’t on the table for this moment.

Which is completely fine because

I don’t want what lies behind that door

For this one particular moment in time.

I want where it leads.

I want the life that it goes to down the road.

I want the final product.

I want to follow the door that leads me to

Building the rest of my life with you

And you can’t build a life overnight.

 

These things take time.

And I worry if I don’t start opening those doors now,

It will be too late by the time your ready

Because I’ll  have had to open another door

And start to follow another path.

But that’s not what i want.

Since I don’t have  much in the way

Of hopes and dreams to follow,

I want to follow my heart.

I want to follow you.

Tell me I can open the door.

Tell me to follow you.

 

Doing Just Fine

Don’t tell me how to live my life,

I’m doing just fine.

Just don’t let me drink another

whole fucking bottle of Wine

Empty and Lost

Lately, I have been considering

what really makes me happy

but I do not have an answer.

I feel empty and lost

because I don’t have dreams.

When I was in high school,

when I should have been

discovering myself

and deciding what I want

to do with the rest of my life

all I wanted to do was die.

Now I’m at the point

where the light at the end

of the tunnel is real,

but I don’t know

what I want there to be

waiting for me at the end.

I’m lost and I’m scared

and I’m reverting back to my old tendencies.

I’d rather put an end to it all

than face the future that I don’t know;

the future that I didn’t create.

When Did We Grow Up?

When did we grow up?

When did childhood dreams

become our reality?

It feels like just yesterday

we were kids just talking

about what we wanted to do

with the rest of our lives

and now we’re adults.

We have real jobs.

We have to pay bills.

We have actual responsibilities.

Where did time go?

When did we grow up?

 

 

End of the Semester

I have more papers

left this semester than I

have syllables here.

Obvious

It’s hard to act like

I have my life together

I obviously don’t.

 

It’s hard to act like

I’m organized and on top of things.

I’m obviously not.

 

It’s hard to act like

My workload isn’t stressing me out.

It obviously is.

 

It’s hard to act like

I’m conquering life.

I’m obviously not.

 

It’s hard to act like

the simplest things don’t cause a breakdown.

They obviously do.

 

It’s hard to act like

things are going to get better.

It’s not so obvious.

This Place is Toxic

This place is toxic.

I’ve been back for just two days

and I want to die.

A Glass of Wine

This just goes to show

that a glass of wine can solve

all of my problems.