Control

I like to believe that I am in control.

That I am independent.

I mean I worked my ass off for a degree

by myself.

I saved up for 5 years and bought a car

by myself.

I have a good paying part-time job

by myself.

I’m looking for a big girl career now

by myself.

But yet no matter how what I do

to make myself feel like

an accomplished adult

I will always be trapped.

For I may have a degree,

a car,

a job,

but you will always make sure

that you still control

some small piece of my life

so that I always have to come back

to this horrid place.

You will always keep me dependent

so that I can never escape,

even though this atmosphere is toxic

and is killing me; suffacting me

making my accomplishments

as worthless as myself.

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Light Switches

When I was a little girl,

I used to play with the light switches.

I made it a personal goal

to try to balance a switch right in the middle,

but it was never possible.

It always had to be slightly more up

or slightly more down.

It could never be perfectly evened out.

Yet, I pursued my goal

and constantly tried to correct it.

When the switch would waiver,

I’d try to reposition it.

This led to a lot of ups and downs

and a period of time where

the light would flicker on and off

until I finally would give up

and turn the lights off.

These last few days I have

felt like I am this lightswitch

being played with by a child.

I want neither up nor down.

I want to be centered,

but I have little flickers of

extreme emotions that appear

at a moments notice.

It’s a lot of ups and downs.

Balance is unobtainable.

I’m growing bored from

trying to control my light switch.

I think it’s time to turn out the light,

 

 

 

Things I Cannot Change

They say that “if you

Don’t like the life you’re living,

Only you have the power to change it.”

That’s not true.

There are things I cannot change.

There are things out of my control.

I can’t make a boy love me.

That’s not my life.

That’s someone else’s.

If I’m miserable because no one loves me,

I can’t force someone to love me.

If my parents treat me like shit,

I can’t make them not be assholes.

That’s their personality.

I can’t change them.

I just have to deal with their mistreatment.

I can’t force my friends to want to hang out.

If I’m lonely,

And they are busy,

I can’t make them not be.

They have lives too.

So maybe I don’t like the life I’m living,

But I can’t do much to change that.

That’s life and it sucks.