No Strangers Here

It’s one of the longest nights of the year

and my soul aches from the pressure it brings.

As the darkness surrounds me,

I open my eyes and see much the same.

I lay in the small, worn bed of my childhood

as the silent tears glide down my face,

softly landing and expanding the never-ceasing puddles.

The tears are no strangers here.

My well-trained pillows are familiar with

muffling the screams and questions

that come straight from my damaged heart:

Why am I not good enough?

Why don’t I deserve love?

No one will ever love a damaged soul like mine.

My soul aches with the weight of carrying questions

that can never be asked or answered.

They are a burden I’m left to ponder

while staring at my ceiling,

trying to make out the faint details in the plaster

as I’ve done so many times before.

I’ve been here before.

I know I’ll be here again.

There’s no way to fix me

and even if there was,

it’s been made clear many times

that no one in my life will ever try.

I’m not worth it.

No one will wastes an “I love you”

on a girl destined to die.

 

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Just Yesterday

Just yesterday I was dreaming.

I pictured us 12 years from now

at our son’s 5th birthday party.

His older sister was playing

soccer with their friends,

running around our pool.

Family members were arriving,

they could see our happiness.

They commented on my glow

when I said there’d be one more.

In that future, I was happy.

I had something to live for,

to look forward to someday.

But today, I know I don’t.

When I think of my future,

I see nothing but darkness.

I see you won’t be there

to be the light of my world.

I don’t have a future anymore.

I don’t have hopes and dreams.

I have a death wish instead

because a life without you

isn’t a life I want to live.