Suffocating

I feel like I’m suffocating.

I go through the motions every day

to live the life that is expected up me

but more often than not

I feel like I’m trapped in a life

that belongs to someone else.

I feel as though I am not my own person.

I am just the person everyone else

wants me to be. And I hate it.

I hate who I am, how I look.

I hate my backstory.

I have more regrets than I

could shake all the sticks in the world at.

I can’t change the things about me

to even try to live the life I want

so I keep on living the one I’ve got.

But why?

It’s pointless.

I’m not going anywhere.

Why bother even trying anymore?

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The Peak

The problem with climbing a mountain

is that at the peak, you’re on top of the world,

but the bottom is still there,

it’s just a much further fall now.

Holiday Feels

Nothing quite brings out the “Holiday Feels”

like being the only single one at the table.

Nothing reminds me of the hurt

filling my empty heart

like seeing the love and joy that fills many others.

Nothing brings me such pain

as dreaded questions and comments like

“Why didn’t you bring someone?” or

“Oh, well there’s always next year”.

Nothing brings me such envy

as seeing kisses and tenderness

that I can only imagine in dreams

Nothing brings me the “Holiday Feels”

like being subjected to time with family.

It Must be the Changing Seasons

My nose is dripping.

My head is stuffed.

every muscle in my body aches.

It must be the changing seasons.

 

There’s frost on my windshield.

My sweater isn’t warm enough.

I’m getting leaves whipped in my face.

It must be the changing seasons.

 

I don’t want to leave my bed.

Everything seems hopeless.

Everything around me is dying or dead.

It must be the changing seasons

I Wish I Was Pretty

I wish I was pretty.

Guys always go for the pretty girls.

They never settle for girls that are nice.

If they’re both that’s a plus,

but it’s never just because they’re nice.

I wish I was pretty,

but I’m not. I’m the nice girl.

I get overlooked because I’m not enough.

I wish I was pretty

so I could finally be good enough

to deserve to be loved.

 

 

Nobody There

Three years.

That’s how long it took

for me to work up the courage

to call counseling services

to try to get myself help

and there was nobody there.

 

I’ll never call again.

I’ll never get better.

All because the one time

I conquered my anxiety

and tried to reach out

to find nobody there.