I can’t recall the last time someone looked at me
and told me what they like about me.
I can’t remember the last time someone gave me
an ounce of hope that maybe I am pretty.
I can’t distinguish in my mind the last time someone
made me feel good about myself…
but I can sure as hell give you a list
of all the times someone told me the opposite
I’m sorry for always falling short.
I’m sorry for the disappointment I cause.
I’m sorry for taking up time.
I’m sorry for being a problem.
I’m sorry for being less than what you deserve.
I’m sorry for not being what you want.
I’m sorry for being ugly.
I’m sorry for being fat.
I’m sorry for not being good enough.
I’m sorry for being me
and I promise that I’ll stop.
Hearing “you are enough”
is far more comforting than
“you’ll be fine” ever is.
They say at the bottom of the rainbow
there is a pot of gold
but I am at the bottom
and I promise you there is no gold here.
Just disappointment and broken dreams
which you can find anywhere really.
So why unstick yourself from the pillows
you’ve been crying into for three hours?
Save yourself from searching
for the happiness you hope is out there
at the bottom of some rainbow for you
because there is not.
It’s just much the same
so just protect yourself
from getting your hopes up.
There’s nothing out there
worth living for.
I feel like I’m suffocating.
I go through the motions every day
to live the life that is expected up me
but more often than not
I feel like I’m trapped in a life
that belongs to someone else.
I feel as though I am not my own person.
I am just the person everyone else
wants me to be. And I hate it.
I hate who I am, how I look.
I hate my backstory.
I have more regrets than I
could shake all the sticks in the world at.
I can’t change the things about me
to even try to live the life I want
so I keep on living the one I’ve got.
I’m not going anywhere.
Why bother even trying anymore?
The problem with climbing a mountain
is that at the peak, you’re on top of the world,
but the bottom is still there,
it’s just a much further fall now.
When I was driving through the mountains,
I eventually had to come out the other side
which meant I was going downhill.
I didn’t realize though that even after
driving through the flat cornfields of Ohio,
I would still feel like I’m going downhill
a whole week later.
I wish I was good enough to deserve your love,
but I’ll always be a pigeon, never a dove.