Look in the Mirror

Look in the mirror

and what do I see?

All the reasons

no one will ever

want to love me.

My chin is round.

My face is lumpy.

My fat rolls make

me far to bumpy.

My lips are chap.

My teeth are not straight.

Is it really a wonder

I’ll never find a date?

My image is too wide.

My arms have fat that flaps.

I waddle, not walk,

each step my thigh claps.

My stomach is attrocious.

My legs have no appeal.

I’m going to die alone.

I’m only being real.

 

Go Out Walking

Every day I  go out walking

miles and miles of trails that wind

hoping, and praying,

to leave myself behind.

I’m looking for a new me,

one I can face in the mirror

because now all I can see

is someone far inferior.

Sometimes I think it’s working;

that all the struggles are worth it.

I  do everything correctly,

but nothing has changed a bit.

No matter how hard I work,

no matter how hard I strive

I’m greeted by the same person

at the end when I arrive.

Girls Like You

It must be nice to be you.

Girls like you that look like that-

tiny, thin, attractive.

What society wants girls to look like.

It must be nice to be able

to talk about your weight

and weight loss with ease

in public settings like the pool.

But it’s not for me.

I know everyone has their struggles,

and a different mountain to climb,

but when you sit 5 feet from me

and complain about going from

104 pounds to 110,

and calling yourself fat,

it kills me inside.

You are so thin.

You re so confident.

You are so beautiful.

I would give almost anything

to deal with your dilemma.

Because as you stated,

girls our height are supposed to weigh

one hundred forty pounds max.

You may be far beneath that,

but I am far above that

and hearing you flaunt this fact

while I am in earshot

right after I just worked my ass off

discourages me.

I wish I could flaunt confidence

the way you can flaunt your stomach,

but I can’t. I’m insecure.

And my progress is slow

and a long journey awaits me.

But please, just please

let me feel comfortable

and supported

and empowered to take it.

Don’t slow me down.

I have an extra 100 pounds

to do that for me.

 

Some Days

I don’t like the way I look,

for there is very little I can do to change it.

Believe me, I’ve tried many times.

I eat healthily, gain weight.

I go to the gym four times a week, pants don’t fit.

I do the expensive programs and the result?

my wallet slimmer, not me.

I do what I can to accept this is who I am though.

I’ll just always be a big girl.

It is what it is.

However, some days this is harder than others.

Like yesterday when I was getting dressed

and I found a new stretch mark.

I went back to bed and cried for three hours.

Why can’t I be someone else?

 

I Cannot Be Skinny

I hate that I can workout everyday,

literally until I’d collapse if I worked any more

and yet I cannot be skinny.

 

I hate that I can eat all the right things

or consume just enough calories a day to survive

and yet I cannot be skinny.

 

I Wish

I wish I was pretty

I wish I was thinner.

I wish I had the body that boys go for.

I wish I didn’t have stretch marks.

I wish for a flat tummy.

I wish I didn’t hate myself when I look in a mirror.

I wish for a boyfriend.

I wish for someone to love me.

I wish I’d stop getting hurt.

 

Inferior

I hate what I’ve become.

I hate how I look.

I can’t even look in the mirror.

When I see other girls

with their boys and makeup

I can’t help but feel inferior.

It’s hard to be proud

of the way that I look

when even I know I’m fat.

People can lie

and tell me I’m fine,

but there’s no truth behind any of that.

I know I’m not a ten

and I don’t want to be perfect,

but I wish I could turn just one head.

I’ve never been attractive,

but now I don’t even try.

I never want to leave my bed.

I wish I was pretty,

either inside or out,

but I’ll never be called “beautiful”.

I wish I could hide

and spare the world of my face.

For society and the world, I’m unsuitable.