Look in the mirror
and what do I see?
All the reasons
no one will ever
want to love me.
My chin is round.
My face is lumpy.
My fat rolls make
me far to bumpy.
My lips are chap.
My teeth are not straight.
Is it really a wonder
I’ll never find a date?
My image is too wide.
My arms have fat that flaps.
I waddle, not walk,
each step my thigh claps.
My stomach is attrocious.
My legs have no appeal.
I’m going to die alone.
I’m only being real.
Sometimes I wish I were a pumpkin
because when looking for a pumpkin,
the bigger and rounder the better.
Maybe then someone would want me.
When I look in the mirror,
I hate myself.
I cannot find one small thing
that I enjoy about myself.
I do what I can
to change that
but nothing is never enough.
I’m starting to see why
models starve themselves
just to like what they see.
Maybe not such a bad idea.
Every day I go out walking
miles and miles of trails that wind
hoping, and praying,
to leave myself behind.
I’m looking for a new me,
one I can face in the mirror
because now all I can see
is someone far inferior.
Sometimes I think it’s working;
that all the struggles are worth it.
I do everything correctly,
but nothing has changed a bit.
No matter how hard I work,
no matter how hard I strive
I’m greeted by the same person
at the end when I arrive.
It must be nice to be you.
Girls like you that look like that-
tiny, thin, attractive.
What society wants girls to look like.
It must be nice to be able
to talk about your weight
and weight loss with ease
in public settings like the pool.
But it’s not for me.
I know everyone has their struggles,
and a different mountain to climb,
but when you sit 5 feet from me
and complain about going from
104 pounds to 110,
and calling yourself fat,
it kills me inside.
You are so thin.
You re so confident.
You are so beautiful.
I would give almost anything
to deal with your dilemma.
Because as you stated,
girls our height are supposed to weigh
one hundred forty pounds max.
You may be far beneath that,
but I am far above that
and hearing you flaunt this fact
while I am in earshot
right after I just worked my ass off
discourages me.
I wish I could flaunt confidence
the way you can flaunt your stomach,
but I can’t. I’m insecure.
And my progress is slow
and a long journey awaits me.
But please, just please
let me feel comfortable
and supported
and empowered to take it.
Don’t slow me down.
I have an extra 100 pounds
to do that for me.
I don’t like the way I look,
for there is very little I can do to change it.
Believe me, I’ve tried many times.
I eat healthily, gain weight.
I go to the gym four times a week, pants don’t fit.
I do the expensive programs and the result?
my wallet slimmer, not me.
I do what I can to accept this is who I am though.
I’ll just always be a big girl.
It is what it is.
However, some days this is harder than others.
Like yesterday when I was getting dressed
and I found a new stretch mark.
I went back to bed and cried for three hours.
Why can’t I be someone else?
I hate that I can workout everyday,
literally until I’d collapse if I worked any more
and yet I cannot be skinny.
I hate that I can eat all the right things
or consume just enough calories a day to survive
and yet I cannot be skinny.
I wish I was pretty
I wish I was thinner.
I wish I had the body that boys go for.
I wish I didn’t have stretch marks.
I wish for a flat tummy.
I wish I didn’t hate myself when I look in a mirror.
I wish for a boyfriend.
I wish for someone to love me.
I wish I’d stop getting hurt.
I hate what I’ve become.
I hate how I look.
I can’t even look in the mirror.
When I see other girls
with their boys and makeup
I can’t help but feel inferior.
It’s hard to be proud
of the way that I look
when even I know I’m fat.
People can lie
and tell me I’m fine,
but there’s no truth behind any of that.
I know I’m not a ten
and I don’t want to be perfect,
but I wish I could turn just one head.
I’ve never been attractive,
but now I don’t even try.
I never want to leave my bed.
I wish I was pretty,
either inside or out,
but I’ll never be called “beautiful”.
I wish I could hide
and spare the world of my face.
For society and the world, I’m unsuitable.
Baffy Basics 