But I Can’t, But I Won’t, But I Want to.

There are so many things I want to say,

but I can’t,

but I won’t,

but I want to.

 

I have questions I need to ask

but I can’t,

but I won’t,

but I want to.

 

I need to get my answers

but I can’t,

but I won’t,

but I want to.

 

I want to stop holding back,

but I can’t,

but I won’t,

but I want to.

 

I wish I could stop biting my tongue,

but I can’t,

but I won’t,

but I want to.

 

I want to end each call with I love you,

but I can’t,

but I won’t

but I want to.

 

I want to tell you how I feel,

but I can’t,

but I won’t

but I want to.

 

I want you to admit how you feel

but you can’t,

but you won’t,

but I want you to.

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Light Switches

When I was a little girl,

I used to play with the light switches.

I made it a personal goal

to try to balance a switch right in the middle,

but it was never possible.

It always had to be slightly more up

or slightly more down.

It could never be perfectly evened out.

Yet, I pursued my goal

and constantly tried to correct it.

When the switch would waiver,

I’d try to reposition it.

This led to a lot of ups and downs

and a period of time where

the light would flicker on and off

until I finally would give up

and turn the lights off.

These last few days I have

felt like I am this lightswitch

being played with by a child.

I want neither up nor down.

I want to be centered,

but I have little flickers of

extreme emotions that appear

at a moments notice.

It’s a lot of ups and downs.

Balance is unobtainable.

I’m growing bored from

trying to control my light switch.

I think it’s time to turn out the light,

 

 

 

The Bridge

 

I found a bridge

with a spectacular view

of a world far below.

 

There’s a valley of trees

and leaves of  countless trees

surrounding the river flow.

 

The bridge is a 180 feet high

and spans over a mile

for the cars to zoom along.

 

When I go over this bridge

I can’t help but think

should I turn my wheel wrong?

 

I Shouldn’t Have Done It

I know I shouldn’t have done it,

but it was so easy. It just felt right.

How could I stop myself from sliding

into something that felt so natural?

Love had me in it’s grips

and there is no escaping.

One look from you and I knew.

I knew that I was powerless.

I knew I would succumb to you.

I knew that you were the one.

But I didn’t know how much it would hurt.

I didn’t know how it would kill me

to realize you’d never feel the same.

I didn’t know it would take over my life.

Why did I have to fall in love

with someone who could never love me?

You broke me and I’ll never be the same.

 

 

Inferior

I hate what I’ve become.

I hate how I look.

I can’t even look in the mirror.

When I see other girls

with their boys and makeup

I can’t help but feel inferior.

It’s hard to be proud

of the way that I look

when even I know I’m fat.

People can lie

and tell me I’m fine,

but there’s no truth behind any of that.

I know I’m not a ten

and I don’t want to be perfect,

but I wish I could turn just one head.

I’ve never been attractive,

but now I don’t even try.

I never want to leave my bed.

I wish I was pretty,

either inside or out,

but I’ll never be called “beautiful”.

I wish I could hide

and spare the world of my face.

For society and the world, I’m unsuitable.

 

 

 

Liquid Courage

It’s a true shame that

I spend all my days

intoxicated

on the thought of you

but the only time

I can tell you this

is when alcohol

actually runs through

my poor weary veins.

 

I wish I was brave

enough to tell you

how I really feel

when I’m sober but

I am a coward.

That liquid courage

is the only way

to hear words slip from

my silent closed lips.