Doors

 

These days,  I often find myself drowning

In trying to figure out what I want with my life.

There is an overwhelming amount of options

Forme to simply choose just one.

With graduation and my degree arriving

In the extremely near future,

It opens up for me enough opportunities to do

Just about anything I could ever imagine.

Which is just absolutely horrifying for me.  

Because of the limited amount of dreams

I’ve accumulated during my lifetime,

I have no idea what I want to door with my life.

I don’t know what kind of job I want

Or where on earth I want to live.

That means literally all the doors are open

And I could go anywhere and do anything

Which causes me immense anxiety

Because all the doors are equally exciting and plausible.

 

I suppose there is  one particular door

that I lean towards more than others

But I can’t go through it right now

unless somebody tells me to.  

I so desperately want to go through that door

But I can’t go through with it until

You give me your blessing.

But you say that now is not a good time.

The door isn’t on the table for this moment.

Which is completely fine because

I don’t want what lies behind that door

For this one particular moment in time.

I want where it leads.

I want the life that it goes to down the road.

I want the final product.

I want to follow the door that leads me to

Building the rest of my life with you

And you can’t build a life overnight.

 

These things take time.

And I worry if I don’t start opening those doors now,

It will be too late by the time your ready

Because I’ll  have had to open another door

And start to follow another path.

But that’s not what i want.

Since I don’t have  much in the way

Of hopes and dreams to follow,

I want to follow my heart.

I want to follow you.

Tell me I can open the door.

Tell me to follow you.

 

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Empty and Lost

Lately, I have been considering

what really makes me happy

but I do not have an answer.

I feel empty and lost

because I don’t have dreams.

When I was in high school,

when I should have been

discovering myself

and deciding what I want

to do with the rest of my life

all I wanted to do was die.

Now I’m at the point

where the light at the end

of the tunnel is real,

but I don’t know

what I want there to be

waiting for me at the end.

I’m lost and I’m scared

and I’m reverting back to my old tendencies.

I’d rather put an end to it all

than face the future that I don’t know;

the future that I didn’t create.

Just Yesterday

Just yesterday I was dreaming.

I pictured us 12 years from now

at our son’s 5th birthday party.

His older sister was playing

soccer with their friends,

running around our pool.

Family members were arriving,

they could see our happiness.

They commented on my glow

when I said there’d be one more.

In that future, I was happy.

I had something to live for,

to look forward to someday.

But today, I know I don’t.

When I think of my future,

I see nothing but darkness.

I see you won’t be there

to be the light of my world.

I don’t have a future anymore.

I don’t have hopes and dreams.

I have a death wish instead

because a life without you

isn’t a life I want to live.

 

Past Present Future

If I’m already your past and present

wouldn’t it make sense that I’m your future?

Our lives are already entwined together

so let’s make the jump; let’s add a suture.

You can go to the bar and sit around

but I can without a doubt guarantee

no matter how long you sit, you won’t find

a girl that knows you at all like me.

You won’t find a girl  that can say that she

supported your dreams from the very start.

She’ll see who you are, but won’t see how you

got there; won’t see how you followed your heart.

You may find someone that you want to try

to build your future with but let’s be real:

the future you want needs a strong foundation,

and we already have one made of steel.

When you are  ready to stop playing games

you’ll come around and be able to see

when it comes to past, present, and future

It could only be referring to me.

 

 

I am Standing Still

The clock is ticking.

It’s working against me.

I am standing still

but time is moving on.

 

Others walk past me,

achieving their life goals.

I am standing still.

I am going nowhere.

 

The future is near

And I don’t have a plan.

I am standing still.

I am falling behind.

 

Minutes become days.

And the days become weeks.

I am standing still.

Life is passing me by.