Who am I to Believe?

Who am I to believe

that I can help others

find their place in the world

when I can’t even

find one of my own?

 

Who am I to believe

that everyone should dream

and pursue those dreams

when I can’t even

find one of my own?

 

Who am I to believe

that there is good in the world

and it is a joy to be here

when I can’t even

want to stick around?

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Spoilers

Life is a movie

that everyone wants to see.

But like a movie,

it has spoilers

and people further along

in the movie

can’t keep their mouths shut

and ruin your ideas

and thoughts

and plans

and hopes.

So if you know the movie

won’t end how you want,

why bother to keep watching?

It’s ruined in a way

you can never undo.

Bottom of the Rainbow

They say at the bottom of the rainbow

there is a pot of gold

but I am at the bottom

and I promise you there is no gold here.

Just disappointment and broken dreams

which you can find anywhere really.

So why unstick yourself from the pillows

you’ve been crying into for three hours?

Save yourself from searching

for the happiness you hope is out there

at the bottom of some rainbow for you

because there is not.

It’s just much the same

so just protect yourself

from getting your hopes up.

There’s nothing out there

worth living for.

Some Days

I don’t like the way I look,

for there is very little I can do to change it.

Believe me, I’ve tried many times.

I eat healthily, gain weight.

I go to the gym four times a week, pants don’t fit.

I do the expensive programs and the result?

my wallet slimmer, not me.

I do what I can to accept this is who I am though.

I’ll just always be a big girl.

It is what it is.

However, some days this is harder than others.

Like yesterday when I was getting dressed

and I found a new stretch mark.

I went back to bed and cried for three hours.

Why can’t I be someone else?

 

Just Yesterday

Just yesterday I was dreaming.

I pictured us 12 years from now

at our son’s 5th birthday party.

His older sister was playing

soccer with their friends,

running around our pool.

Family members were arriving,

they could see our happiness.

They commented on my glow

when I said there’d be one more.

In that future, I was happy.

I had something to live for,

to look forward to someday.

But today, I know I don’t.

When I think of my future,

I see nothing but darkness.

I see you won’t be there

to be the light of my world.

I don’t have a future anymore.

I don’t have hopes and dreams.

I have a death wish instead

because a life without you

isn’t a life I want to live.

 

Dull Gray

The snow drifts down from clouds of  dull gray,

but they’re not as gray as I feel today.

It’s frigid cold and I can’t feel my thumb,

but it can’t chill me. I’m already numb.

The flakes wander down in an unclear path,

Like me, while struggling through the aftermath.

When they reach the ground, they melt to their end.

There is nothing left for them; don’t pretend.

I too am at the end of my journey.

Do not save me; I don’t want a gurney.

 

Hopeless Romantic

I am a hopeless romantic,

extra emphasis on hopeless.

I believe there is love out there

that could save me from the darkness,

then again chivalry is dead.

Men don’t bring you flowers just because.

They don’t go out of their way to

plan surprises to make your day.

Guys don’t care to take a moment

to slow down and dance in the rain.

They don’t stop to look in your eyes

and savor time before a kiss.

It’s just relationships without

any real hope of commitment.

These dudes don’t think about romance.

It is a different day and time,

but I won’t settle for lazy.

Men must go the extra mile.

I want to live a love story.

I want whirlwind.  I want crazy.

I want to be swept off my feet.

I’m a hopeless romantic

and I am worth all the effort.

Pretending

I have become so good

At pretending to be happy,

That I can’t tell that it’s fake anymore.

There are times that I can

Actually fool myself to think

That I can forget the truth inside me.

I can show a smile.

I can even share a giggle.

But those can’t fix the void I feel inside.

Inside, I am empty,

A hollow of my former self;

Plenty of room for words to bounce around.

I don’t have a purpose.

I’m not worth anything at all.

I will never be good enough to feel

Like life is worth living.