Just Keep Swimming

They say to go with the flow

so I just keep swimming.

They say it’ll get better,

so I just keep swimming.

They say the best is yet to come

so I just keep swimming.

They say to stay positive

so I just keep swimming.

They say I’ll get everything I’ve ever wanted

so to just keep swimming,

but the truth is I am so tired.

I’m tired of swimming

and keeping my head afloat.

I’m tired after years swimming,

chasing something I can never have.

They ask what I’m going to do about it?

I don’t have an answer

or the guts to even try something new

so I just keep swimming.

Anxious

I am starting to realize

my anxiety is strong.

Every little thing I do

now appears to be done wrong.

 

The bells at school make me jump,

hyperventilate, panic.

The work I have left to do

this semester makes me sick.

 

I bite my fingers until

until they hurt or they bleed.

I can’t take a compliment

no matter what is the deed.

 

I can’t sleep through the whole night.

I am afraid to be late.

Nothing makes me more anxious

than those eight hours I wait.

 

Overthink situations

and I jump to conclusions.

I make accusations that

lead to people’s confusion.

 

I need to calm myself down.

What is happening inside?

I can’t stop losing my mind,

heaven knows that I have tried.

The Bridge

 

I found a bridge

with a spectacular view

of a world far below.

 

There’s a valley of trees

and leaves of  countless trees

surrounding the river flow.

 

The bridge is a 180 feet high

and spans over a mile

for the cars to zoom along.

 

When I go over this bridge

I can’t help but think

should I turn my wheel wrong?

 

They Don’t See

When people look at me, they just see my stretch marks.

They don’t see the 5 lives I’ve saved.

They don’t see me giving back to the community.

They don’t see me teaching young children to read.

 

When people look at me, all they see is my weight.

They don’t see my athletic career.

They don’t see my honors diploma.

They don’t see my kindness.

 

When people look at me, they just see my obesity.

They don’t see me volunteering with dogs.

They don’t see me working 3 jobs.

They don’t see who I really am

And that’s a true shame.

 

I Shouldn’t Have Done It

I know I shouldn’t have done it,

but it was so easy. It just felt right.

How could I stop myself from sliding

into something that felt so natural?

Love had me in it’s grips

and there is no escaping.

One look from you and I knew.

I knew that I was powerless.

I knew I would succumb to you.

I knew that you were the one.

But I didn’t know how much it would hurt.

I didn’t know how it would kill me

to realize you’d never feel the same.

I didn’t know it would take over my life.

Why did I have to fall in love

with someone who could never love me?

You broke me and I’ll never be the same.

 

 

Tricks

My life plays tricks on me all the time.

It seems to think cruelty is fun.

Whether it’s a warm beautiful day

followed the next day by a blizzard

or if it’s making me believe that

someone I love could return feelings,

it likes to play nasty, hurtful tricks.

Why must life do this to me so much?

What did I do to deserve all this?

Why is it that every time something

joyful happens to me it must be

followed by something just as awful?

Life is one step forward and one back.

I can’t ever seem to get ahead.

Why can’t I have unconditional

happiness just once in awhile?

Why does my life enjoy playing tricks?

Just once I’d like things to go my way,

but life doesn’t work that way, does it?

This House is Just Like Me

The house I grew up

is slowly falling apart

just like me.

 

It’s used and broken.

No one will ever want it

just like me.

It’s an unattractive eyesore

to everyone sharing this town

just like me.

and it’s filled to the brim

with things it’s trying to hold in,

just like me.

No one comes to visit

and honestly, why would they?

This house is just like me.

 

 

Inferior

I hate what I’ve become.

I hate how I look.

I can’t even look in the mirror.

When I see other girls

with their boys and makeup

I can’t help but feel inferior.

It’s hard to be proud

of the way that I look

when even I know I’m fat.

People can lie

and tell me I’m fine,

but there’s no truth behind any of that.

I know I’m not a ten

and I don’t want to be perfect,

but I wish I could turn just one head.

I’ve never been attractive,

but now I don’t even try.

I never want to leave my bed.

I wish I was pretty,

either inside or out,

but I’ll never be called “beautiful”.

I wish I could hide

and spare the world of my face.

For society and the world, I’m unsuitable.

 

 

 

It’s “Spring”

So when does this whole spring thing start?

Last time I checked it was April

and April is considered spring,

so what is with this cold white stuff

that is continueing to fall

from the sky despite the season?

I’m done with winter. Bring me sun.

I want to see rain showers soon.

I want to see flowers appear.

I want to see the school year end,

or at least hope that it is soon.

This Ohio weather kills me.

Let me wear sandals already.

I’m done with your shit Ohio.

Let’s just get this show on the road

and let’s stop playing weather games.

It’s spring. Start acting like it….NOW!!