You are essential.
A main character
in the plot of my life.
You dominate my thoughts
and you are by far
a fundamental part
of be entire being.
You are critical to
my lasting survival
and resuscitate my dreams
by breathing life back in.
The significance you play
in my day to day life
confounds me always.
Yet with you I seem
to fall into oblivion
This time of year is always hard for me.
I see everyone around me in love
and more than anything I wish I could be.
I can’t even walk in a Walmart for
at least another two weeks, minimum,
because to see all of those shelves full of
trinkets that to show how much you care
remind me how little no one in my life does.
I’m not saying that a $5 stuffed animal
or a stale heart box of chocolates
measures how much some one loves you,
but when you have none of those things,
it makes it glaringly obvious to all
that I have not a person in my life
that was even willing to give it a try
and that it the most lonely feeling of all.
I feel like a balloon released to the wind,
soaring, floating- I’m surviving on my own.
I see the world below me,
and all the wonders and happiness around me.
I wonder If I will find the ground again
and find that happiness too.
But at times, I feel out of control.
The wind moves me, I go along
thinking there are so many things to see
but It feels like I am reaching new heights
higher, higher and further from the dream below.
I want to be grounded.
I want to be tethered to something in this world
that gives my existence a purpose.
I’m too high now. No one can reach my string
and pull me back to earth.
So I’ll keep floating until I pop from
too many changes in atmospheric pressure
and when I finally return to the ground,
all that will be left is broken remains.
Summer rays of light
brown my pale skin
that has been hidden inside
for 3 long months
as I hide from dangers
that were out of my control.
As I lay in the damp grass,
using my mind to persuade
spiders to not crawl across
my oily, burning legs,
I can’t help but wonder
which side to lay on
to let the sun’s heat
to warm up my soul
because I’m afraid
too much pain
has made me cold and bitter.
I’m afraid that combo
is only desirable
in a Starbucks
freshly iced coffee,
not in a soulmate,
I can spend hours each day
looking at hundreds of faces,
swiping yes or no,
hoping one of them will give
me the life I desperately want.
But I think both you and I know
that won’t happen because
the one face I want and need
will never be there.
I’m a hopeless romantic,
empahsis on the hopeless.
I’d like to say I’m more
on the romantic side,
but who would be there
to confirm my alibi?
No one, like always.
So all those dreams
and hidden smiles
and contained laughs
and audible sighs
will just have to wait
because who would be there
to enjoy what I have to
offer to the world?
No one, like always.
I work so damn hard to be happy
which is why it kills me that I’m not.
Sometimes I wish I were a pumpkin
because when looking for a pumpkin,
the bigger and rounder the better.
Maybe then someone would want me.
There are so many things I want to say,
but I can’t,
but I won’t,
but I want to.
I have questions I need to ask
but I can’t,
but I won’t,
but I want to.
I need to get my answers
but I can’t,
but I won’t,
but I want to.
I want to stop holding back,
but I can’t,
but I won’t,
but I want to.
I wish I could stop biting my tongue,
but I can’t,
but I won’t,
but I want to.
I want to end each call with I love you,
but I can’t,
but I won’t
but I want to.
I want to tell you how I feel,
but I can’t,
but I won’t
but I want to.
I want you to admit how you feel
but you can’t,
but you won’t,
but I want you to.
They say at the bottom of the rainbow
there is a pot of gold
but I am at the bottom
and I promise you there is no gold here.
Just disappointment and broken dreams
which you can find anywhere really.
So why unstick yourself from the pillows
you’ve been crying into for three hours?
Save yourself from searching
for the happiness you hope is out there
at the bottom of some rainbow for you
because there is not.
It’s just much the same
so just protect yourself
from getting your hopes up.
There’s nothing out there
worth living for.
Baffy Basics 