Go Out Walking

Every day I  go out walking

miles and miles of trails that wind

hoping, and praying,

to leave myself behind.

I’m looking for a new me,

one I can face in the mirror

because now all I can see

is someone far inferior.

Sometimes I think it’s working;

that all the struggles are worth it.

I  do everything correctly,

but nothing has changed a bit.

No matter how hard I work,

no matter how hard I strive

I’m greeted by the same person

at the end when I arrive.

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Dangerous to Dream

It is dangerous to dream

bigger than the moment

you are already living.

It may be easy to dream

of long white curtains

billowing in a warm breeze

or a four-poster bed with

soft pink petals scattered

across bright, white sheets

that are as fresh and as pure as you;

maybe later you’ll be tangled in them

as you watch the sunset

over the ocean out your window

with the love of your life

shortly after you dedicated

your lives to be spent with each other.

Seems simple enough of a dream,

But that can be ripped from you

long before you ever get close

to touching that dream.

So dream simply of small things

like your first margarita

because the odds of someone

shoving that down your throat

against your will

is a lot less likely than other things…

take it from me.

Dreams, Dreams, Dreams

Dreams. Dreams? Dreams.

They make us who we are.

They are what makes us into

unique individuals.

While others may have

similiar goals and hopes,

its the fine details

like a porch swing

or a two syllable name

that make dreams…different;

that make us…different.

The thing about dreams

is that dreams change.

They come and go.

They adapt to other dreams

from other people

whose dreams become yours.

But what do you do

when all your dreams

have long ago faded

and the little details

become forgotten memories?

How do you know that your dream

is actually your dream

and not just what someone else wants?

Suffocating

I feel like I’m suffocating.

I go through the motions every day

to live the life that is expected up me

but more often than not

I feel like I’m trapped in a life

that belongs to someone else.

I feel as though I am not my own person.

I am just the person everyone else

wants me to be. And I hate it.

I hate who I am, how I look.

I hate my backstory.

I have more regrets than I

could shake all the sticks in the world at.

I can’t change the things about me

to even try to live the life I want

so I keep on living the one I’ve got.

But why?

It’s pointless.

I’m not going anywhere.

Why bother even trying anymore?

Days Like Today

On days like today,

it would be so easy

to do something as simple

as go for a drive

on the slick, white roads

and maybe go a little

faster than the speed limit

and lose the little control

I have in my life.

 

On days like today

it would be so easy

to just give in;

to just let go

and give up;

to fall off course

and have an accident…

or what looks like one.

What’s one more mistake?

A Letter to God

Hey,

It’s me.

I know it’s been a long while.

Things have been hard,

which I’m sure you’re aware of.

I’d like to say that I’m sorry that I stopped believing in you,

but can you blame me?

I prayed to you every single night

begging you to make things better,

to stop my demons,

but it was like you never heard me.

Every time I said I couldn’t take any more,

you came up with something else

to add to my already full plate.

You took the mother of my emotionally abusive father.

You moved my best friend, and only support, to a different school.

You took away our only income

and filled my head with horrible thoughts

Yet I tried.

I tried to keep believing

that you had something better

just around the corner

and if I just kept believing

and hoping

and trucking along,

I would see it.

So I did.

Until you know who happened

and did you know what to me.

Why would you let that happen?

Why would you punish me for following

YOUR rules.

I just couldn’t do it.

I couldn’t believe that anyone

who was supposed to watch over me

and have a  plan for me,

because he loved me,

would ever put such a horrible thing in my plan.

So I just stopped.

I stopped believing.

 

But maybe,

just maybe,

I’d like to believe again.

I’d like to believe that

someone else out there is making all the plans for me

since I really have no idea what I’m doing anymore.

But it’s hard for me.

I have trust issues

and you’re a big reason why.

I expected other people here on earth

to turn away from me

when I asked for help,

but I didn’t think you would too.

I want to trust in. you again though.

I want to feel loved again.

I would really like to feel like someone out there

not only wants my love

but wants to love me too.

 

As I said earlier,

things have been kinda rough lately,

but I’d like one more chance

if you’re willing to let me give you

one more chance too.

Just one good thing.

That’s all I ask.

In my string of hard times,

please give me something new to hold on to.

Something I can believe in.

Give me a sign that maybe,

just maybe,

you’re out there listening this time around.

Help me trust again.

 

Sincerely,

Me.

Empty and Lost

Lately, I have been considering

what really makes me happy

but I do not have an answer.

I feel empty and lost

because I don’t have dreams.

When I was in high school,

when I should have been

discovering myself

and deciding what I want

to do with the rest of my life

all I wanted to do was die.

Now I’m at the point

where the light at the end

of the tunnel is real,

but I don’t know

what I want there to be

waiting for me at the end.

I’m lost and I’m scared

and I’m reverting back to my old tendencies.

I’d rather put an end to it all

than face the future that I don’t know;

the future that I didn’t create.

Who Even am I?

Who even am I?

Am I really a teacher?

Am I really a swimmer?

Am I really a lifeguard?

 

Who even am I?

Am I really a band kid?

Am I really a good student?

Am I really a sorority girl?

 

Who even am I?

Am I just living lies?

Am I able to make my own choices?

Am I just another pawn?

 

I don’t know how to be the person

that I decide to be

because everyone chose for me.

Who even am I?

Tip of the Iceberg

When I say something is wrong,

It’s hard for me to express

Just how deep this goes down.

When I talk to you,

All you get is the superficial,

Just the tip of the iceberg.

These little issues seem simple,

Like they can be solved

And that I can be saved.

But believe me,

It takes more to sink my ship

Than the tip of an iceberg.

There’s a whole monster

Waiting beneath the surface

To be my demise

And I can’t tell you about it.

You only get to see

The small tip of the iceberg.