Apparently, my landlord found my wallet
and called to inform me he found it.
He found it two days ago.
I didn’t even know it was gone.
I guess while your finding things
that I apparently lost,
could you also locate
my will to live?
Who am I to Believe?
Who am I to believe
that I can help others
find their place in the world
when I can’t even
find one of my own?
Who am I to believe
that everyone should dream
and pursue those dreams
when I can’t even
find one of my own?
Who am I to believe
that there is good in the world
and it is a joy to be here
when I can’t even
want to stick around?
Go Out Walking
Every day I go out walking
miles and miles of trails that wind
hoping, and praying,
to leave myself behind.
I’m looking for a new me,
one I can face in the mirror
because now all I can see
is someone far inferior.
Sometimes I think it’s working;
that all the struggles are worth it.
I do everything correctly,
but nothing has changed a bit.
No matter how hard I work,
no matter how hard I strive
I’m greeted by the same person
at the end when I arrive.
Dangerous to Dream
It is dangerous to dream
bigger than the moment
you are already living.
It may be easy to dream
of long white curtains
billowing in a warm breeze
or a four-poster bed with
soft pink petals scattered
across bright, white sheets
that are as fresh and as pure as you;
maybe later you’ll be tangled in them
as you watch the sunset
over the ocean out your window
with the love of your life
shortly after you dedicated
your lives to be spent with each other.
Seems simple enough of a dream,
But that can be ripped from you
long before you ever get close
to touching that dream.
So dream simply of small things
like your first margarita
because the odds of someone
shoving that down your throat
against your will
is a lot less likely than other things…
take it from me.
Dreams, Dreams, Dreams
Dreams. Dreams? Dreams.
They make us who we are.
They are what makes us into
unique individuals.
While others may have
similiar goals and hopes,
its the fine details
like a porch swing
or a two syllable name
that make dreams…different;
that make us…different.
The thing about dreams
is that dreams change.
They come and go.
They adapt to other dreams
from other people
whose dreams become yours.
But what do you do
when all your dreams
have long ago faded
and the little details
become forgotten memories?
How do you know that your dream
is actually your dream
and not just what someone else wants?
Suffocating
I feel like I’m suffocating.
I go through the motions every day
to live the life that is expected up me
but more often than not
I feel like I’m trapped in a life
that belongs to someone else.
I feel as though I am not my own person.
I am just the person everyone else
wants me to be. And I hate it.
I hate who I am, how I look.
I hate my backstory.
I have more regrets than I
could shake all the sticks in the world at.
I can’t change the things about me
to even try to live the life I want
so I keep on living the one I’ve got.
But why?
It’s pointless.
I’m not going anywhere.
Why bother even trying anymore?
Days Like Today
On days like today,
it would be so easy
to do something as simple
as go for a drive
on the slick, white roads
and maybe go a little
faster than the speed limit
and lose the little control
I have in my life.
On days like today
it would be so easy
to just give in;
to just let go
and give up;
to fall off course
and have an accident…
or what looks like one.
What’s one more mistake?
A Letter to God
Hey,
It’s me.
I know it’s been a long while.
Things have been hard,
which I’m sure you’re aware of.
I’d like to say that I’m sorry that I stopped believing in you,
but can you blame me?
I prayed to you every single night
begging you to make things better,
to stop my demons,
but it was like you never heard me.
Every time I said I couldn’t take any more,
you came up with something else
to add to my already full plate.
You took the mother of my emotionally abusive father.
You moved my best friend, and only support, to a different school.
You took away our only income
and filled my head with horrible thoughts
Yet I tried.
I tried to keep believing
that you had something better
just around the corner
and if I just kept believing
and hoping
and trucking along,
I would see it.
So I did.
Until you know who happened
and did you know what to me.
Why would you let that happen?
Why would you punish me for following
YOUR rules.
I just couldn’t do it.
I couldn’t believe that anyone
who was supposed to watch over me
and have a plan for me,
because he loved me,
would ever put such a horrible thing in my plan.
So I just stopped.
I stopped believing.
But maybe,
just maybe,
I’d like to believe again.
I’d like to believe that
someone else out there is making all the plans for me
since I really have no idea what I’m doing anymore.
But it’s hard for me.
I have trust issues
and you’re a big reason why.
I expected other people here on earth
to turn away from me
when I asked for help,
but I didn’t think you would too.
I want to trust in. you again though.
I want to feel loved again.
I would really like to feel like someone out there
not only wants my love
but wants to love me too.
As I said earlier,
things have been kinda rough lately,
but I’d like one more chance
if you’re willing to let me give you
one more chance too.
Just one good thing.
That’s all I ask.
In my string of hard times,
please give me something new to hold on to.
Something I can believe in.
Give me a sign that maybe,
just maybe,
you’re out there listening this time around.
Help me trust again.
Sincerely,
Me.
Empty and Lost
Lately, I have been considering
what really makes me happy
but I do not have an answer.
I feel empty and lost
because I don’t have dreams.
When I was in high school,
when I should have been
discovering myself
and deciding what I want
to do with the rest of my life
all I wanted to do was die.
Now I’m at the point
where the light at the end
of the tunnel is real,
but I don’t know
what I want there to be
waiting for me at the end.
I’m lost and I’m scared
and I’m reverting back to my old tendencies.
I’d rather put an end to it all
than face the future that I don’t know;
the future that I didn’t create.
Who Even am I?
Who even am I?
Am I really a teacher?
Am I really a swimmer?
Am I really a lifeguard?
Who even am I?
Am I really a band kid?
Am I really a good student?
Am I really a sorority girl?
Who even am I?
Am I just living lies?
Am I able to make my own choices?
Am I just another pawn?
I don’t know how to be the person
that I decide to be
because everyone chose for me.
Who even am I?
Baffy Basics 