What do I Want

As my undergraduate career comes to a close

in less than three weeks from today,

I’m finding that the amount of people that

are asking me what my plans are for

after I graduate is increasing substantially.

But the truth is that I really don’t have an answer

to satisfy their curious minds because

I truly don’t know what I am going to do.

Believe me: it’s more frustrating than you know.

I would love to have just one simple answer

to give upon request, but the thing is

that is so much harder to achieve than I thought.

There are so many options at my fingertips

that it is hard to pick just one to follow.

I tried on one, and decided I didn’t like it

and now I feel stuck once again.

As the world I know around me rushes to a close,

I find myself lost in the whirlwind with no direction

and it fills me with an anxiety I can’t describe.

People confront me and I don’t know what I want.

Well, I do.

It’s just not…

I don’t know: A possibility? Viable? Realistic?

It adds to my frustration even more.

I know when people ask me what’s next for me

they want information about my upcoming career,

but I guess the truth is that

that’s not what is important to me.

I have other matters of the heart and soul

to take care of first and until those are met

I can’t focus on anything else.

But my time is running out

and so is the money in my bank account.

I know I need to make a decision.

The pressure is on, but will I be a diamond?

Or will I just crumble?

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Lipstick on a Pig

You can put lipstick on a pig,

but guess what?

It’s still a pig.

So maybe if people continue

to call something

other than what it is

in your eyes,

even though you’ve tried

to cleverly disguise it as

something else entirely,

then maybe,

just maybe,

it’s time to admit you have a pig.

 

 

Author’s note: Please don’t actually refer to a girl as a pig. This is just a metaphor. She will not appreciate it.

 

The Last Time

I can’t recall the last time someone looked at me

and told me what they like about me.

I can’t remember the last time someone gave me

an ounce of hope that maybe I am pretty.

I can’t distinguish in my mind the last time someone

made me feel good about myself…

but I can sure as hell give you a list

of all the times someone told me the opposite

I Wish I Was Someone Worth Loving

I wish I was someone worth loving.

I wish I had goals and ambition

and a desire for a career

like women of this society are

expected to want to want these days,

but I don’t.

 

I wish I looked the way that

boy want me to look

so that I could be someone worth loving,

that I could be thin with big boobs

and a natural blonde with a pleasing face,

but I’m not.

 

I wish I had something to offer the world

so that I could be someone worth loving;

maybe a skill or talent,

or even money to give the less fortunate,

or time or influence or anything really,\

but I don’t.

 

I wish I could be someone worth loving

so that maybe I could stop hating myself.

I’m Sorry

I’m sorry for always falling short.

I’m sorry for the disappointment I cause.

I’m sorry for taking up time.

I’m sorry for being a problem.

I’m sorry for being less than what you deserve.

I’m sorry for not being what you want.

I’m sorry for being ugly.

I’m sorry for being fat.

I’m sorry for not being good enough.

I’m sorry for being me

and I promise that I’ll stop.

But I Can’t, But I Won’t, But I Want to.

There are so many things I want to say,

but I can’t,

but I won’t,

but I want to.

 

I have questions I need to ask

but I can’t,

but I won’t,

but I want to.

 

I need to get my answers

but I can’t,

but I won’t,

but I want to.

 

I want to stop holding back,

but I can’t,

but I won’t,

but I want to.

 

I wish I could stop biting my tongue,

but I can’t,

but I won’t,

but I want to.

 

I want to end each call with I love you,

but I can’t,

but I won’t

but I want to.

 

I want to tell you how I feel,

but I can’t,

but I won’t

but I want to.

 

I want you to admit how you feel

but you can’t,

but you won’t,

but I want you to.

Bottom of the Rainbow

They say at the bottom of the rainbow

there is a pot of gold

but I am at the bottom

and I promise you there is no gold here.

Just disappointment and broken dreams

which you can find anywhere really.

So why unstick yourself from the pillows

you’ve been crying into for three hours?

Save yourself from searching

for the happiness you hope is out there

at the bottom of some rainbow for you

because there is not.

It’s just much the same

so just protect yourself

from getting your hopes up.

There’s nothing out there

worth living for.

This Hope

I once had this hope

that maybe my poems

would speak all the words

that I knew I could not;

That the right choice of words

and the right amount of something

that I did not have would be enough

when I knew that I was not;

That maybe the emotions

that I’m constantly holding back

would be felt in my writing

that I knew I could not share.

but I know they are not.

I still have this hope

that maybe someday they will

if  I would only share those poems

with the rest of the world

and not keep them to myself…

yet I know I will not.