9 Years

9 years.

That’s a long time.

That’s how long I was waiting.

Waiting for you to notice me.

Waiting for you to see me.

Waiting for you to say you love me.

Waiting for you to hear me cry myself to sleep,

maybe on just one of those nights

and to ask me what was wrong.

That’s 3,287 chances you had

and you didn’t use any of them.

So now here we are.

You want to make amends

and try to make  it up to me for

all the times you ignored me

when I needed you most;

when you were all that I needed.

But you have damaged me.

I cannot be fixed.

I cannot be retaught that I deserve love

after all the times you showed me I did not.

 

 

 

 

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Ironic

Sometimes I wish I could just disappear,

be erased from the minds of the ones I love

even though they don’t love me.

Because as much as I want to suddenly die

I worry about hurting them which ironic

considering how much they hurt me.

You Can’t Do This to Me

You can’t do this to me.

You can’t keep running

In and out of my life

When I need you the most.

I’m vulnerable. I’m fragile.

I’m physically falling apart.

I’m already emotionally broken.

You can’t act like you’re

Going to make everything better

But then never come around.

I already feel ignored

By everyone in my life.

Now it feels like

You’re abandoning me too.

 

The Elephant in the Room

I’m sitting on a hillside,
And I feel like I don’t belong.
It’s how I feel every day,
Amongst other people.
Everything around me is calm.
Everything has a place
And a role to fill.
Everything does what it’s supposed to
Except for me.
What am I doing here?
I do everything wrong.
Everything feels like a mistake.
It’s no wonder I’m not happy.
How could I possibly be?
I don’t have a purpose.
I don’t have anywhere I belong.
I stick out of everywhere.
I’m the elephant in the room
No one wants to talk about.
What’s wrong with me?
Why aren’t I normal?
Why can’t I just be happy?
Those are all difficult questions
That no one wants to ask.
It’s so much easier to ignore me.
It lets everyone and everything
Go on with their lives.

To Feel Like Someone Loves Me

I want to feel like someone loves me.

It seems like a simple human right

That I just can’t seem to claim.

Love is linked to happiness

Which explains why I’m miserable.

I don’t want a boyfriend just to say I have one.

I just want someone to bring me joy.

I want to feel like I matter.

I want someone to make me smile.

I want someone to care about me

Because I’m tired of being the only one.

It exhausting telling myself each day

That life is worth living

When the list of reasons just gets shorter.

I need someone to make me feel

Like I’m not alone.

I need to feel like someone loves me,