Dangerous to Dream

It is dangerous to dream

bigger than the moment

you are already living.

It may be easy to dream

of long white curtains

billowing in a warm breeze

or a four-poster bed with

soft pink petals scattered

across bright, white sheets

that are as fresh and as pure as you;

maybe later you’ll be tangled in them

as you watch the sunset

over the ocean out your window

with the love of your life

shortly after you dedicated

your lives to be spent with each other.

Seems simple enough of a dream,

But that can be ripped from you

long before you ever get close

to touching that dream.

So dream simply of small things

like your first margarita

because the odds of someone

shoving that down your throat

against your will

is a lot less likely than other things…

take it from me.

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Good Things Come to Those Who Wait

They say “good things come to those who wait”…

but do they?

That’s what I believed for 15 years

because  that’s what I was taught;

that’s what I was preached.

I was told that good things would come

if I waited until I was married

and loved

and cared for.

Good things would come if I was patient;

if I followed the rules;

if I trusted in God.

And I did.

I did everything I was supposed to do.

So where were my good things?

All I got was trauma;

and nightmares.

and the fear no one will ever want or love me now.

I am damaged.

I am broken.

But

I did what I was supposed to do.

I was waiting

but someone else decided I was not,

So I guess I don’t deserve good things.

The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far from the Tree

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised

to discover your father is disgusting,

just like you.

After all, what they say is true:

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

He’s done horrible, unspeakable things

to an innocent young girl,

just like you.

He took something from her

that you took from me ‘

that wasn’t for either of you to take.

You are both crooked and disturbed.

You both deserve to rot in hell

for the crimes you’ve committed.

It makes me sick to my stomach

to remember and know the things you do

and think you can get away with.

This world is an awful place,

not just because of the lack of justice

but because it is populated with people like you.

 

 

No Longer a Victim

Today is the last day that your name will ever cross my lips.

Your name does not deserve to be uttered by me.

You took something priceless from me that I cannot ever get back.

Six years ago you soiled me and made me feel worthless.

I’ve never mentioned your name to another living soul

because no one else should ever have to hear about you

or the awful things you’ve done to me.

But I just don’t have the time or energy left to carry this burden anymore.

It’s not even a burden I should have to carry.

Why should I be the one who feels guilty when I did nothing wrong?

I’m tired of making poor decisions for my life

just to cover up the pathetic one you made six years ago.

I want to move on with my life and never think about you again.

I deserve to be happy and find peace with myself.

I cannot change the past, but I can choose my future

and I want you to have absolutly zero part of it.

So today I’ll share your name just once,

not here because it’s more attention than you’ll ever deserve.

But I will be taking this burden off of my shoulders

and leave it in the mountains so I never see it again.

I’ll return home with a clean slate, no longer a victim.

It’s time to fight for what I actually deserve in life.

 

 

Can’t Forget

I don’t want to remember,

But I can’t forget

All those awful things you did

That ruined my life.

 

It pains me to remember,

But I can’t forget.

Panic attacks are common

When thoughts reappear.

 

It’s burned into my memory

So I can’t forget.

No matter how hard I try,

I can’t change the past.

 

I try not to remember,

But I can’t forget.

Never will I be at peace.

You have destroyed me.

Apparently, I Was Asking For It

Apparently, I was asking for it

By wearing a flowy skirt to my knees

And a cardigan over my lime green tee.

Even though as a lifeguard,

I wear less to work every day

And unscathed I walk every day.

If I can walk around

In just a swimsuit and shorts,

And never find myself violated,

Then my outfits are not the problem.

Rape culture is the problem.

Put the blame on someone else for once

Because clothing doesn’t force itself onto someone.

People do.

 

 

The Rape

I am walking home from school

And I’m standing at a light.

While I wait for it to change,

I check behind my back.

I see you in the distance,

Fear conquers my inside.

I walk across so quickly,

move faster and faster.

I try  hard to distance us,

But you move so much faster.

I’m three fourths of the way home

And you are on my trail now.

You are stuck at a stoplight

I take off my shoes and run.

I cannot breathe but I run,

But you move so much faster.

I make it to my street now,

And see there is no one home.

The fear quickens my heart beat.

I realize there’s no escape.

With little time to waste now,

I open my garage door.

I hurry inside the house

Looking for a place to hide.

I know that I shut the door,

But you move so much faster.

You manage to get inside

And you find my hiding place.

There’s nowhere else to go now

And there’s nowhere left to hide.

There is only giving up

And to hope it is quick.

You drag me to my bedroom

And end up with you want.

With so few screams of protest,

And hands that are bound with tape,

There’s nothing left to do now

But let my warm tears roll down.

With your hand over my mouth,

And no will left to fight you,

You take advantage of me

Just to get what you wanted.

You threaten you will kill me

If I ever tell a soul.

I tried to sleep all that night

On the bed I was abused.

But I was not successful

And only blamed myself.

It took me over three years

Just to admit it happened.

But I still won’t say the name

For fear of what may happen.

Being hurt by those you know

And forced to live with the pain

Is a burden in which

I am very ashamed.