Sometimes writing poems let's me forget about the huge sums of debt I'm accumulating while at college
When I was driving through the mountains,
I eventually had to come out the other side
which meant I was going downhill.
I didn’t realize though that even after
driving through the flat cornfields of Ohio,
I would still feel like I’m going downhill
a whole week later.
No more adventures
No more bridges
No more brunches
No more beaches
No more ice cream
No more laughs
No more dolphin shows
No more foreign sodas
No more fireworks
No more cribbage
No more video games
No more smiles
No more you.
Dating anyone but you
would mean I’m settling.
How do I convince myself
that I’m actually worth less?
How do I tell myself
that I don’t deserve
everything I thought that I
could ever want in life?
How do I tell myself that
I can be happy with
someone who has less to offer?
How do I live with myself?
How do I keep going
when I know what’s waiting
for me down the road
is just disappointment?
No one can ever compare.
You’re the gold medal.
Everyone else just feels like
a participation trophy.
I hate what I’ve become.
I hate how I look.
I can’t even look in the mirror.
When I see other girls
with their boys and makeup
I can’t help but feel inferior.
It’s hard to be proud
of the way that I look
when even I know I’m fat.
People can lie
and tell me I’m fine,
but there’s no truth behind any of that.
I know I’m not a ten
and I don’t want to be perfect,
but I wish I could turn just one head.
I’ve never been attractive,
but now I don’t even try.
I never want to leave my bed.
I wish I was pretty,
either inside or out,
but I’ll never be called “beautiful”.
I wish I could hide
and spare the world of my face.
For society and the world, I’m unsuitable.
I’m to take a shot
Everytime I think of you.
…Not my best idea
Today isn’t better.
The smallest things upset me.
I think I’ll give up.
I need to learn to
stop holding my feelings in.
It’s just not healthy.
Keeping it all in
resulted in me crying
in front of my class.
I feel so weak now.
It was so embaressing.
I can’t recover
Alone, yet again
for another holiday.
Me myself and I
will be present Christmas day.
No one to snuggle
and kiss under mistletoe.
No one to bring home
There’s no one to want to go.
Alone, yet again
No reason for me to brag.
To Christmas dinner
My parents will have to drag.
I love Christmas time,
but it gets harder each year.
No one to love me,
Kills all of my Christmas cheer.
Having you over was a mistake.
Before you came over,
I was already depressed,
But I had at least adjusted to the numb.
Being with you again reminded me
What it’s like to be happy.
But now you are too busy for me.
My happiness isn’t important to you
And I’m falling back into the dark.
The rock bottom is harder than before.
The pain is worse now.
What you did is wrong.
You teased me with a potential
Chance of feeling better.
And then you took it away from me.
I’m destroyed now more than ever.
Having you over was a mistake.
It’s my drug
and I’m addicted.
It is my only escape.
I need it.
I can get it,
With just the wave of my hand.
Just a touch,
That isn’t special
Is what I need to stay alive.
I use it.
I abuse it.
It’s how I’ve learned to survive.
Sex is my weapon
Of protection
That I use to forget.
Memories
And the flashbacks
Are temporarily forgotten.
The release
Is the relief
My tortured mind needs.
I’m broken.
Can’t be saved.
My drug is keeping me alive.
