Alone for the Holiday

Alone, yet again

for another holiday.

Me myself and I

will be present Christmas day.

No one to snuggle

and kiss under mistletoe.

No one to bring home

There’s no one to want to go.

Alone, yet again

No reason for me to brag.

To Christmas dinner

My parents will have to drag.

I love Christmas time,

but it gets harder each year.

No one to love me,

Kills all of my Christmas cheer.

 

Having You Over Was a Mistake

Having you over was a mistake.

Before you came over,

I was already depressed,

But I had at least adjusted to the numb.

Being with you again reminded me

What it’s like to be happy.

But now you are too busy for me.

My happiness isn’t important to you

And I’m falling back into the dark.

The rock bottom is harder than before.

The pain is worse now.

What you did is wrong.

You teased me with a potential

Chance of feeling better.

And then you took it away from me.

I’m destroyed now more than ever.

Having you over was a mistake.

My Drug

 

It’s my drug

and I’m addicted.

It is my only escape.

I need it.

I can get it,

With just the wave of my hand.

Just a touch,

That isn’t special

Is what I need to stay alive.

I use it.

I abuse it.

It’s how I’ve learned to survive.

Sex is my weapon

Of protection

That I use to forget.

Memories

And the flashbacks

Are temporarily forgotten.

The release

Is the relief

My tortured mind needs.

I’m broken.

Can’t be saved.

My drug is keeping me alive.

 

I Can’t Go Back

I can’t go back.

I can’t go through that again.

You said I was fine,

Just an attention whore.

I’d be fine eventually.

I’d get over myself.

 

I can’t go back.

I need the help,

But you said I didn’t.

I can’t be rejected again.

It took a lot of courage

To say the truth,

To admit I wasn’t okay,

And you said it was an act.

 

I can’t go back

and be told the same thing.

I’m even more afraid now

That my cries will be ignored again.

The Elephant in the Room

I’m sitting on a hillside,
And I feel like I don’t belong.
It’s how I feel every day,
Amongst other people.
Everything around me is calm.
Everything has a place
And a role to fill.
Everything does what it’s supposed to
Except for me.
What am I doing here?
I do everything wrong.
Everything feels like a mistake.
It’s no wonder I’m not happy.
How could I possibly be?
I don’t have a purpose.
I don’t have anywhere I belong.
I stick out of everywhere.
I’m the elephant in the room
No one wants to talk about.
What’s wrong with me?
Why aren’t I normal?
Why can’t I just be happy?
Those are all difficult questions
That no one wants to ask.
It’s so much easier to ignore me.
It lets everyone and everything
Go on with their lives.

My King

All they seem to do about me is complain.

It brings my heart such conflict and pain.

They make me feel like I’m not worth anything.

Like I’m a slave and they’re my king.

They make me feel horrible about myself.

They’ve trapped me and I need to free myself.

But they push me down each time I try,

So all I can do is sit down and cry.