Control

I like to believe that I am in control.

That I am independent.

I mean I worked my ass off for a degree

by myself.

I saved up for 5 years and bought a car

by myself.

I have a good paying part-time job

by myself.

I’m looking for a big girl career now

by myself.

But yet no matter how what I do

to make myself feel like

an accomplished adult

I will always be trapped.

For I may have a degree,

a car,

a job,

but you will always make sure

that you still control

some small piece of my life

so that I always have to come back

to this horrid place.

You will always keep me dependent

so that I can never escape,

even though this atmosphere is toxic

and is killing me; suffacting me

making my accomplishments

as worthless as myself.

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Go Out Walking

Every day I  go out walking

miles and miles of trails that wind

hoping, and praying,

to leave myself behind.

I’m looking for a new me,

one I can face in the mirror

because now all I can see

is someone far inferior.

Sometimes I think it’s working;

that all the struggles are worth it.

I  do everything correctly,

but nothing has changed a bit.

No matter how hard I work,

no matter how hard I strive

I’m greeted by the same person

at the end when I arrive.

Taking Things

I thought you were done taking things from me

when you stole my virginity 7 years ago.

But yet here we are, all these years later

and you’re still taking things from me:

My happiness

My hopes

My dreams

My soulmate

My chance of having someone love me.

I can’t have any of those things

because you ruined me; damaged me.

And now I’m so broken that

I can never have the one thing all always want.

After 7 years I finally realize

it’s never going to get better for me.

Fuck you.

 

 

We Are All Dolphins

We are all dolphins

putting on a show,

trained to do tricks

for the people who think

they are saving us

from some treacherousus life.

We are all dolphins

finding joy in

others praise of us

for doing something

we would have done anyways.

We are all dolphins

that think we are free

but are really just free to roam

the tank we live in.

We are all dolphins

being controlled by a higher power

for the enjoyment

of other people.

The Kitchen Drawer

When I was in the eighth grade,

you made it quite clear

that I was not YOUR child

when you kicked my mother,

my brother and I

out of the house after an argument.

You broke the drawer off,

the one with knives,

in your fury.

I thought you were going to kill her

right in front of me.

You pinned her to the wall

and spat on her face

as you belittled her

and screamed at her

for some stupid little reason.

You told her to take HER kids

and get out.

I wasn’t even allowed

to get my shoes. Or a coat.

We sat in the car

in the driveway

to a house where I grew up

and cried. And cried.

We did not know where to go.

I told my mother to divorce you.

I told we could move in with grandma.

I told her we could come to get our things

once he was at work tomorrow.

She didn’t listen.

I wish she had

because now I am just as damaged.

You welcomed us back

and acted as though nothing was wrong;

that nothing had happened.

You pretended that everything

was the same as always.

But I know better because

the kitchen drawer doesn’t have a handle

 

 

 

The Emotional Abuse

Because of you, I don’t trust anyone, not even myself.

I can’t stand up for myself.

I can’t do anything.

Because of you, I question my own memories.

I obviously can’t be right

or you wouldn’t be angry.

Because of you,  I have anxiety severe enough that I have to receive help for it.

I walk on eggshells so I don’t trip the magic wire

that sets you off on nothing.

Because of you, I’m ashamed to have people come over.

You’re a different person and it breaks me.

Why don’t I deserve that kindness and easy-going?

Because of you, I’m afraid to leave.

I don’t have anywhere else to go.

How do I turn my back on family?

Because of you, I am passive.

I just do what I have to do to be compliant.

I have to protect myself.

Because of you, I cry. A LOT.

Every night for 9 years to be exact.

I wonder what I did to deserve this.

Because of you, I can’t look people in the eye.

They probably think I’m rude, or not paying attention,

but that connection has hurt me many times in the past.

Because of you, I feel powerless.

I fell I have to take it.

I feel like I have no control.

Because of you, I have no self-esteem.

If I don’t and can’t deserve your love,

then who else would ever love me?

Because of you, I fear men.

I can’t have a relationship because what if?

What if they are all the same?

What if they will hurt me too?

What if I can never escape?

This Place is Not a Home

This place is not a home.

It’s a war zone. It’s hell.

It’s full of people on edge,

people walking on eggshells

trying to avoid another fight,

but someone always cracks

because how can you not be angry?

This place is unhealthy.

This place is not a home.

 

This place is not a home.

This place is emotionally abusive.

You can’t share your feelings

or your true thoughts because

the tyrant will scream at you

until to submit to his way

and are terrorized into giving up.

The “man” of the house

is not a man at all

but a dictator who admitted

just last week in fact

that nothing gets done around here

unless he intimidates us

and that’s just how he likes it.

This place is run by a bully.

This place is not a home.

 

This place is not a home,

it’s barely a step above a dump.

Bathrooms are falling apart.

floors are rotting through

and tiles are shattered.

Carpets are permentaly stained

and in desperate need of a vacuum.

There hasn’t been a working light

in the kitchen in the better part

of half a decade, maybe more.

Things are broken, but not replaced.

Just put off until it becomes an “issue”,

whatever that’s supposed to mean.

Junk is piled up everywhere

that we’re expected to just live around.

There are paths but no space.

This is not a living space.

This place is not a home.

 

 

A Penny For My Thoughts #1

This morning I was scrolling through my Facebook feed when I came across a interesting tumbler feed. It asked ” what if the reason you get a song stuck in your head is because somewhere in the world, your soulmate is singing it?”

My instant reaction was to feel bad for my soulmate as I sing a lot. A LOT. If this were true, my poor soulmate would have songs had some pretty terrible songs that I’ve song in choir in their heads for several months( I sincerely apologize for the 3 month period we sang “Happy” junior year). But I also sing a lot for fun so there’d be no rest for the wicked.  So sorry.

Vice versa, if this is true, I must say that at least my soul mate has good taste in music because I usually have some pretty decent music running through my brain.

Just thought that this was interesting and thought provoking ( even if it isn’t physically possible.) Have a song stuck in your head? Comment what your soulmate may be singing at this very moment. I’m quite curious to see your responses. Mine apparently has Ignition by R. Kelly on replay because it’s been stuck in my head all day.