My whole life feels like
I am driving home
from the bank that is
just a mile from my home.
I go there all the time,
but I’m in a rush today so
I take a different route.
I’m now lost in some place,
a neighborhood I don’t know,
turning again and again
down roads never seen.
I told myself keep going
but now I’m stuck in
an unfamiliar place
and I have no idea how I got here
and I don’t have the energy
to try and get out again.
A million dreams sound beautiful,
poetic, hopeful.
But have you ever had a million thoughts
racing through your mind at the same time?
Because it’s actually a fucking disaster.
Forget about dreaming about
the world we’re gonna make.
I just wonder about this bed I’m supposed to make
and how the idea is just entirely overwhelming
in the grand scheme of things
when I can’t even get out of it
because I’ve already thought of 8 different ways
I’m going to end up in prison
for not wiping the germs off
of a damn toy car often enough.
and that’s just the last minute.
So trust me:
A million of something is keeping me awake
but I don’t think they’re dreams.
Reality Check:
Life’s a dick
and you’re only kidding yourself
if you think locking yourself
inside your house will
keep the bad things from happening to you.
It may keep out a stupid virus,
but far worse things can happen
when you put somewhere
you feel too comfortable.
Trust me I know.
4 walls can keep out a lot,
but they also hold a lot in.
I don’t try to look at the negative
but my anxiety does.
I don’t get angry or hold a grudge,
but my anxiety does.
I don’t overthink things
but my anxiety does.
I don’t care what others think of me
but my anxiety does.
I don’t get stuck on little things
but my anxiety does.
I don’t think my life is hopeless
but my anxiety does.
I’m tired of the game
and trying to explain
just how you hurt me.
With all of your words
I’m split into thirds
thinking what are we?
Your power you flaunt;
don’t know what you want.
You keep changing your key.
You’re back and you’re forth
What is my worth?
Baby, what are we?
You’re up and You’re down
I’m flipped around;
a ship lost at sea.
You’re always my choice
but I’m losing my voice.
What about me?
Decide our plot.
Want this or not?
What are we?
I like to believe that I am in control.
That I am independent.
I mean I worked my ass off for a degree
by myself.
I saved up for 5 years and bought a car
by myself.
I have a good paying part-time job
by myself.
I’m looking for a big girl career now
by myself.
But yet no matter how what I do
to make myself feel like
an accomplished adult
I will always be trapped.
For I may have a degree,
a car,
a job,
but you will always make sure
that you still control
some small piece of my life
so that I always have to come back
to this horrid place.
You will always keep me dependent
so that I can never escape,
even though this atmosphere is toxic
and is killing me; suffacting me
making my accomplishments
as worthless as myself.
Every day I go out walking
miles and miles of trails that wind
hoping, and praying,
to leave myself behind.
I’m looking for a new me,
one I can face in the mirror
because now all I can see
is someone far inferior.
Sometimes I think it’s working;
that all the struggles are worth it.
I do everything correctly,
but nothing has changed a bit.
No matter how hard I work,
no matter how hard I strive
I’m greeted by the same person
at the end when I arrive.
I thought you were done taking things from me
when you stole my virginity 7 years ago.
But yet here we are, all these years later
and you’re still taking things from me:
My happiness
My hopes
My dreams
My soulmate
My chance of having someone love me.
I can’t have any of those things
because you ruined me; damaged me.
And now I’m so broken that
I can never have the one thing all always want.
After 7 years I finally realize
it’s never going to get better for me.
Fuck you.
When I say I don’t have friends,
I don’t mean I have no friends.
I mean I have no friends here
anymore to do things with.
It’s hard to be the one who
stayed. It’s lonely without you.
We are all dolphins
putting on a show,
trained to do tricks
for the people who think
they are saving us
from some treacherousus life.
We are all dolphins
finding joy in
others praise of us
for doing something
we would have done anyways.
We are all dolphins
that think we are free
but are really just free to roam
the tank we live in.
We are all dolphins
being controlled by a higher power
for the enjoyment
of other people.
Baffy Basics 