A Million Thoughts…

A million dreams sound beautiful,

poetic, hopeful.

But have you ever had a million thoughts

racing through your mind at the same time?

Because it’s actually a fucking disaster.

Forget about dreaming about

the world we’re gonna make.

I just wonder about this bed I’m supposed to make

and how the idea is just entirely overwhelming

in the grand scheme of things

when I can’t even get out of it

because I’ve already thought of 8 different ways

I’m going to end up in prison

for not wiping the germs off

of a damn toy car often enough.

and that’s just the last minute.

So trust me:

A million of something is keeping me awake

but I don’t think they’re dreams.

Reality Check

Reality Check:

Life’s a dick

and you’re only kidding yourself

if you think locking yourself

inside your house will

keep the bad things from happening to you.

It may keep out a stupid virus,

but far worse things can happen

when you put somewhere

you feel too comfortable.

Trust me I know.

4 walls can keep out a lot,

but they also hold a lot in.

Two Sides of a Coin

I don’t try to look at the negative

but my anxiety does.

 

I don’t get angry or hold a grudge,

but my anxiety does.

 

I don’t overthink things

but my anxiety does.

 

I don’t care what others think of me

but my anxiety does.

 

I don’t get stuck on little things

but my anxiety does.

 

I don’t think my life is hopeless

but my anxiety does.

What Are We?

I’m tired of the game

and trying to explain

just how you hurt me.

 

With all of your words

I’m split into thirds

thinking what are we?

 

Your power you flaunt;

don’t know what you want.

You keep changing your key.

 

You’re back and you’re forth

What is my worth?

Baby, what are we?

 

You’re up and You’re down

I’m flipped around;

a ship lost at sea.

 

You’re always my choice

but I’m losing my voice.

What about me?

 

Decide our plot.

Want this or not?

What are we?

Control

I like to believe that I am in control.

That I am independent.

I mean I worked my ass off for a degree

by myself.

I saved up for 5 years and bought a car

by myself.

I have a good paying part-time job

by myself.

I’m looking for a big girl career now

by myself.

But yet no matter how what I do

to make myself feel like

an accomplished adult

I will always be trapped.

For I may have a degree,

a car,

a job,

but you will always make sure

that you still control

some small piece of my life

so that I always have to come back

to this horrid place.

You will always keep me dependent

so that I can never escape,

even though this atmosphere is toxic

and is killing me; suffacting me

making my accomplishments

as worthless as myself.

Go Out Walking

Every day I  go out walking

miles and miles of trails that wind

hoping, and praying,

to leave myself behind.

I’m looking for a new me,

one I can face in the mirror

because now all I can see

is someone far inferior.

Sometimes I think it’s working;

that all the struggles are worth it.

I  do everything correctly,

but nothing has changed a bit.

No matter how hard I work,

no matter how hard I strive

I’m greeted by the same person

at the end when I arrive.

Taking Things

I thought you were done taking things from me

when you stole my virginity 7 years ago.

But yet here we are, all these years later

and you’re still taking things from me:

My happiness

My hopes

My dreams

My soulmate

My chance of having someone love me.

I can’t have any of those things

because you ruined me; damaged me.

And now I’m so broken that

I can never have the one thing all always want.

After 7 years I finally realize

it’s never going to get better for me.

Fuck you.

 

 

We Are All Dolphins

We are all dolphins

putting on a show,

trained to do tricks

for the people who think

they are saving us

from some treacherousus life.

We are all dolphins

finding joy in

others praise of us

for doing something

we would have done anyways.

We are all dolphins

that think we are free

but are really just free to roam

the tank we live in.

We are all dolphins

being controlled by a higher power

for the enjoyment

of other people.

The Kitchen Drawer

When I was in the eighth grade,

you made it quite clear

that I was not YOUR child

when you kicked my mother,

my brother and I

out of the house after an argument.

You broke the drawer off,

the one with knives,

in your fury.

I thought you were going to kill her

right in front of me.

You pinned her to the wall

and spat on her face

as you belittled her

and screamed at her

for some stupid little reason.

You told her to take HER kids

and get out.

I wasn’t even allowed

to get my shoes. Or a coat.

We sat in the car

in the driveway

to a house where I grew up

and cried. And cried.

We did not know where to go.

I told my mother to divorce you.

I told we could move in with grandma.

I told her we could come to get our things

once he was at work tomorrow.

She didn’t listen.

I wish she had

because now I am just as damaged.

You welcomed us back

and acted as though nothing was wrong;

that nothing had happened.

You pretended that everything

was the same as always.

But I know better because

the kitchen drawer doesn’t have a handle