A Letter to God

Hey,

It’s me.

I know it’s been a long while.

Things have been hard,

which I’m sure you’re aware of.

I’d like to say that I’m sorry that I stopped believing in you,

but can you blame me?

I prayed to you every single night

begging you to make things better,

to stop my demons,

but it was like you never heard me.

Every time I said I couldn’t take any more,

you came up with something else

to add to my already full plate.

You took the mother of my emotionally abusive father.

You moved my best friend, and only support, to a different school.

You took away our only income

and filled my head with horrible thoughts

Yet I tried.

I tried to keep believing

that you had something better

just around the corner

and if I just kept believing

and hoping

and trucking along,

I would see it.

So I did.

Until you know who happened

and did you know what to me.

Why would you let that happen?

Why would you punish me for following

YOUR rules.

I just couldn’t do it.

I couldn’t believe that anyone

who was supposed to watch over me

and have a  plan for me,

because he loved me,

would ever put such a horrible thing in my plan.

So I just stopped.

I stopped believing.

 

But maybe,

just maybe,

I’d like to believe again.

I’d like to believe that

someone else out there is making all the plans for me

since I really have no idea what I’m doing anymore.

But it’s hard for me.

I have trust issues

and you’re a big reason why.

I expected other people here on earth

to turn away from me

when I asked for help,

but I didn’t think you would too.

I want to trust in. you again though.

I want to feel loved again.

I would really like to feel like someone out there

not only wants my love

but wants to love me too.

 

As I said earlier,

things have been kinda rough lately,

but I’d like one more chance

if you’re willing to let me give you

one more chance too.

Just one good thing.

That’s all I ask.

In my string of hard times,

please give me something new to hold on to.

Something I can believe in.

Give me a sign that maybe,

just maybe,

you’re out there listening this time around.

Help me trust again.

 

Sincerely,

Me.

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Past Present Future

If I’m already your past and present

wouldn’t it make sense that I’m your future?

Our lives are already entwined together

so let’s make the jump; let’s add a suture.

You can go to the bar and sit around

but I can without a doubt guarantee

no matter how long you sit, you won’t find

a girl that knows you at all like me.

You won’t find a girl  that can say that she

supported your dreams from the very start.

She’ll see who you are, but won’t see how you

got there; won’t see how you followed your heart.

You may find someone that you want to try

to build your future with but let’s be real:

the future you want needs a strong foundation,

and we already have one made of steel.

When you are  ready to stop playing games

you’ll come around and be able to see

when it comes to past, present, and future

It could only be referring to me.

 

 

The Bridge

 

I found a bridge

with a spectacular view

of a world far below.

 

There’s a valley of trees

and leaves of  countless trees

surrounding the river flow.

 

The bridge is a 180 feet high

and spans over a mile

for the cars to zoom along.

 

When I go over this bridge

I can’t help but think

should I turn my wheel wrong?

 

Obvious

It’s hard to act like

I have my life together

I obviously don’t.

 

It’s hard to act like

I’m organized and on top of things.

I’m obviously not.

 

It’s hard to act like

My workload isn’t stressing me out.

It obviously is.

 

It’s hard to act like

I’m conquering life.

I’m obviously not.

 

It’s hard to act like

the simplest things don’t cause a breakdown.

They obviously do.

 

It’s hard to act like

things are going to get better.

It’s not so obvious.

Waiting to be Noticed

Most of my days

consist of me,

sitting around,

waiting to be

noticed.

 

I watch and wait

for someone to

see me struggle,

but no one sees

me drown.

 

I scream for help

and wave a flag,

but somehow I’m

still forgotten;

ignored.

 

I’m dead inside

and soon to be

outside but yet

no one seems to

care much.

 

I Can’t.

I keep telling people

I can’t keep doing this.

They tell me that I can,

But they just aren’t listening.

They don’t understand.

They don’t take me seriously.

I’m not joking around.

I literally cannot take any more.

I can’t hold anything else in.

I’m done.

I’m not just on the edge anymore.

I already let go.

I already decided to jump off the bridge

Because nobody told me to stop.

Storms To Weather

Knife in the back,

Life is off track

Everything is out of place.

 

Feet off the ground

I’m flailing around,

Falling flat on my face.

 

There’re many storms to weather,

trying to get my life together

but some things left no trace.

 

Decisions to be made

and debts to be paid,

No special treatment in this case.

 

I am on my own,

lost and  alone,

I’m last place in this race.

 

It’ll take hard work and time,

It won’t be an easy climb,

But everything will fall in place.

 

After the Shower

There’s a moment,

after turning off the hot water,

that I notice my surroundings

when it’s just me,

naked and alone.

There’s a moment

that I’m in a state of confusion,

unsure of where I am

when it’s just me,

naked and alone.

There’s  a moment,

where I question everything,

where I feel everything,

when it’s just me,

naked and alone.

There’s a moment

that I try to commit

do I open a door and

feel a rush of new things,

when it’s just me,

naked and alone?

There’s a moment

when I touch the handle,

and I contemplate everything

when it’s just me,

naked and alone.

There’s a moment

when I decide to move forward,

and brace myself for the change

when it’s just me,

naked and alone.

There’s a moment

when I start to realize

even after the shower,

when it’s just me,

naked and alone.

In that moment,

I know nothing changed.

I’m just as vulnerable as before

because it’s just me,

naked and alone.