Control

I like to believe that I am in control.

That I am independent.

I mean I worked my ass off for a degree

by myself.

I saved up for 5 years and bought a car

by myself.

I have a good paying part-time job

by myself.

I’m looking for a big girl career now

by myself.

But yet no matter how what I do

to make myself feel like

an accomplished adult

I will always be trapped.

For I may have a degree,

a car,

a job,

but you will always make sure

that you still control

some small piece of my life

so that I always have to come back

to this horrid place.

You will always keep me dependent

so that I can never escape,

even though this atmosphere is toxic

and is killing me; suffacting me

making my accomplishments

as worthless as myself.

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Suffocating

I feel like I’m suffocating.

I go through the motions every day

to live the life that is expected up me

but more often than not

I feel like I’m trapped in a life

that belongs to someone else.

I feel as though I am not my own person.

I am just the person everyone else

wants me to be. And I hate it.

I hate who I am, how I look.

I hate my backstory.

I have more regrets than I

could shake all the sticks in the world at.

I can’t change the things about me

to even try to live the life I want

so I keep on living the one I’ve got.

But why?

It’s pointless.

I’m not going anywhere.

Why bother even trying anymore?

Days Like Today

On days like today,

it would be so easy

to do something as simple

as go for a drive

on the slick, white roads

and maybe go a little

faster than the speed limit

and lose the little control

I have in my life.

 

On days like today

it would be so easy

to just give in;

to just let go

and give up;

to fall off course

and have an accident…

or what looks like one.

What’s one more mistake?

We Are All Dolphins

We are all dolphins

putting on a show,

trained to do tricks

for the people who think

they are saving us

from some treacherousus life.

We are all dolphins

finding joy in

others praise of us

for doing something

we would have done anyways.

We are all dolphins

that think we are free

but are really just free to roam

the tank we live in.

We are all dolphins

being controlled by a higher power

for the enjoyment

of other people.

The Kitchen Drawer

When I was in the eighth grade,

you made it quite clear

that I was not YOUR child

when you kicked my mother,

my brother and I

out of the house after an argument.

You broke the drawer off,

the one with knives,

in your fury.

I thought you were going to kill her

right in front of me.

You pinned her to the wall

and spat on her face

as you belittled her

and screamed at her

for some stupid little reason.

You told her to take HER kids

and get out.

I wasn’t even allowed

to get my shoes. Or a coat.

We sat in the car

in the driveway

to a house where I grew up

and cried. And cried.

We did not know where to go.

I told my mother to divorce you.

I told we could move in with grandma.

I told her we could come to get our things

once he was at work tomorrow.

She didn’t listen.

I wish she had

because now I am just as damaged.

You welcomed us back

and acted as though nothing was wrong;

that nothing had happened.

You pretended that everything

was the same as always.

But I know better because

the kitchen drawer doesn’t have a handle

 

 

 

The Emotional Abuse

Because of you, I don’t trust anyone, not even myself.

I can’t stand up for myself.

I can’t do anything.

Because of you, I question my own memories.

I obviously can’t be right

or you wouldn’t be angry.

Because of you,  I have anxiety severe enough that I have to receive help for it.

I walk on eggshells so I don’t trip the magic wire

that sets you off on nothing.

Because of you, I’m ashamed to have people come over.

You’re a different person and it breaks me.

Why don’t I deserve that kindness and easy-going?

Because of you, I’m afraid to leave.

I don’t have anywhere else to go.

How do I turn my back on family?

Because of you, I am passive.

I just do what I have to do to be compliant.

I have to protect myself.

Because of you, I cry. A LOT.

Every night for 9 years to be exact.

I wonder what I did to deserve this.

Because of you, I can’t look people in the eye.

They probably think I’m rude, or not paying attention,

but that connection has hurt me many times in the past.

Because of you, I feel powerless.

I fell I have to take it.

I feel like I have no control.

Because of you, I have no self-esteem.

If I don’t and can’t deserve your love,

then who else would ever love me?

Because of you, I fear men.

I can’t have a relationship because what if?

What if they are all the same?

What if they will hurt me too?

What if I can never escape?

My King

All they seem to do about me is complain.

It brings my heart such conflict and pain.

They make me feel like I’m not worth anything.

Like I’m a slave and they’re my king.

They make me feel horrible about myself.

They’ve trapped me and I need to free myself.

But they push me down each time I try,

So all I can do is sit down and cry.