My heart says
” He’s the one ,
He’s the one”
My brain says
“Don’t be dumb,
don’t be dumb”
A Balloon
I feel like a balloon released to the wind,
soaring, floating- I’m surviving on my own.
I see the world below me,
and all the wonders and happiness around me.
I wonder If I will find the ground again
and find that happiness too.
But at times, I feel out of control.
The wind moves me, I go along
thinking there are so many things to see
but It feels like I am reaching new heights
higher, higher and further from the dream below.
I want to be grounded.
I want to be tethered to something in this world
that gives my existence a purpose.
I’m too high now. No one can reach my string
and pull me back to earth.
So I’ll keep floating until I pop from
too many changes in atmospheric pressure
and when I finally return to the ground,
all that will be left is broken remains.
Feelings
It gets old experiencing
only three feelings:
depressed, anxious, and lonely.
Just for once, I’d like to add
new feelings to
my repertoire
such as feeling loved.
Not an Old Lady
I am not an old lady
but I probably will be
by the time you ask me out.
Different Meanings
It’s weird when your coworkers
around a few years older
and words have different
meanings to you over time.
For example, commitment
to them means they want a ring
but I just want a relationship.
The Wise Oak Tree
The boy sat under his favorite wide oak
on a summer day full of August sunshine.
As he leaned against the firm, solid trunk
that had always been there for him, he sighed.
” I love summer. It’s everything I want, nothing I don’t.
The hot sunny days, the warm sand in my toes,
the shady leaves, and sweet summer treats.
I hope nothing ever changes. I am happy here.”
“Ah, but change is coming” whispered the wise oak.
Startled, the boy began to rise, but sunk back to his spot.
“No way. I like things just the way they are.”
The wise oak responded “I never said you didn’t.
But the truth of the matter is change is inevitable.
Autumn must come. Fight it or embrace it, that is your choice.”
The boy argued. ” I won’t give up my comforts.
I love my warm days and sweet ice cream.
I love beach days and shady trees.
You are all I need. Let’s stay just as we are.”
“But young man, I cannot,” The wise oak said firm.
” I must change. Autumn will happen.
As I grow older, I must move forward.
While you may enjoy my shady leaves now,
they will soon be changing color.
Of course, you’re welcome to stay
right where you are, but you will be buried in
decaying memories of the past.
I’d rather look forward to the vibrant colors
I will produce soon and I invite you to
embrace them with me.
We can be beautiful together
or you can live in ignorance in denial,
but either way change is coming.
Will you be coming too?”
The Worst Part
Sometimes the worst part about being depressed
isn’t not having the energy to get out of bed for two days
or realizing you haven’t eatten a real meal in 3
or resorting to bad habits and addictions
or considering unhealthy habits that will only hurt you
or finding a dozen more reasons to hate yourself.
Sometimes. it’s wanting to tell the person you trust most
and not being able to for fear of being ignored again.
Apparently Lost
Apparently, my landlord found my wallet
and called to inform me he found it.
He found it two days ago.
I didn’t even know it was gone.
I guess while your finding things
that I apparently lost,
could you also locate
my will to live?
Hurt
I’ve hurt today
and I’ve been hurt before
but I’ll say it here
that nothing hurt more
than when I let you in
and you closed the door.
Why be vulnerable
and confess hard secrets
to be ignored;
filled with regrets.
I’m really not one
who easily forgets.
They Said
Open up
they said.
Be more vulnerable
they said.
Don’t keep it all bottled in
they said.
Tell them what’s bothering you
they said.
Confide when you’re ready
they said.
You’ll feel better
they said.
That’s fucking bullshit
I said.
