Lips are Moving

Sometimes it feels like I’m talking.

I swear words are coming out.

But no one seems to hear me.

Maybe I should shout.

 

I’m crying out for help

but everyone looks away.

My feelings don’t matter I guess

So depressed I guess I’ll stay

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Control

I like to believe that I am in control.

That I am independent.

I mean I worked my ass off for a degree

by myself.

I saved up for 5 years and bought a car

by myself.

I have a good paying part-time job

by myself.

I’m looking for a big girl career now

by myself.

But yet no matter how what I do

to make myself feel like

an accomplished adult

I will always be trapped.

For I may have a degree,

a car,

a job,

but you will always make sure

that you still control

some small piece of my life

so that I always have to come back

to this horrid place.

You will always keep me dependent

so that I can never escape,

even though this atmosphere is toxic

and is killing me; suffacting me

making my accomplishments

as worthless as myself.

Go Out Walking

Every day I  go out walking

miles and miles of trails that wind

hoping, and praying,

to leave myself behind.

I’m looking for a new me,

one I can face in the mirror

because now all I can see

is someone far inferior.

Sometimes I think it’s working;

that all the struggles are worth it.

I  do everything correctly,

but nothing has changed a bit.

No matter how hard I work,

no matter how hard I strive

I’m greeted by the same person

at the end when I arrive.

Taking Things

I thought you were done taking things from me

when you stole my virginity 7 years ago.

But yet here we are, all these years later

and you’re still taking things from me:

My happiness

My hopes

My dreams

My soulmate

My chance of having someone love me.

I can’t have any of those things

because you ruined me; damaged me.

And now I’m so broken that

I can never have the one thing all always want.

After 7 years I finally realize

it’s never going to get better for me.

Fuck you.

 

 

Spoilers

Life is a movie

that everyone wants to see.

But like a movie,

it has spoilers

and people further along

in the movie

can’t keep their mouths shut

and ruin your ideas

and thoughts

and plans

and hopes.

So if you know the movie

won’t end how you want,

why bother to keep watching?

It’s ruined in a way

you can never undo.

I Wish I Was Someone Worth Loving

I wish I was someone worth loving.

I wish I had goals and ambition

and a desire for a career

like women of this society are

expected to want to want these days,

but I don’t.

 

I wish I looked the way that

boy want me to look

so that I could be someone worth loving,

that I could be thin with big boobs

and a natural blonde with a pleasing face,

but I’m not.

 

I wish I had something to offer the world

so that I could be someone worth loving;

maybe a skill or talent,

or even money to give the less fortunate,

or time or influence or anything really,\

but I don’t.

 

I wish I could be someone worth loving

so that maybe I could stop hating myself.

I’m Sorry

I’m sorry for always falling short.

I’m sorry for the disappointment I cause.

I’m sorry for taking up time.

I’m sorry for being a problem.

I’m sorry for being less than what you deserve.

I’m sorry for not being what you want.

I’m sorry for being ugly.

I’m sorry for being fat.

I’m sorry for not being good enough.

I’m sorry for being me

and I promise that I’ll stop.