Every day I go out walking
miles and miles of trails that wind
hoping, and praying,
to leave myself behind.
I’m looking for a new me,
one I can face in the mirror
because now all I can see
is someone far inferior.
Sometimes I think it’s working;
that all the struggles are worth it.
I do everything correctly,
but nothing has changed a bit.
No matter how hard I work,
no matter how hard I strive
I’m greeted by the same person
at the end when I arrive.
I thought you were done taking things from me
when you stole my virginity 7 years ago.
But yet here we are, all these years later
and you’re still taking things from me:
My chance of having someone love me.
I can’t have any of those things
because you ruined me; damaged me.
And now I’m so broken that
I can never have the one thing all always want.
After 7 years I finally realize
it’s never going to get better for me.
Life is a movie
that everyone wants to see.
But like a movie,
it has spoilers
and people further along
in the movie
can’t keep their mouths shut
and ruin your ideas
So if you know the movie
won’t end how you want,
why bother to keep watching?
It’s ruined in a way
you can never undo.
I wish I was someone worth loving.
I wish I had goals and ambition
and a desire for a career
like women of this society are
expected to want to want these days,
but I don’t.
I wish I looked the way that
boy want me to look
so that I could be someone worth loving,
that I could be thin with big boobs
and a natural blonde with a pleasing face,
but I’m not.
I wish I had something to offer the world
so that I could be someone worth loving;
maybe a skill or talent,
or even money to give the less fortunate,
or time or influence or anything really,\
but I don’t.
I wish I could be someone worth loving
so that maybe I could stop hating myself.
I’m sorry for always falling short.
I’m sorry for the disappointment I cause.
I’m sorry for taking up time.
I’m sorry for being a problem.
I’m sorry for being less than what you deserve.
I’m sorry for not being what you want.
I’m sorry for being ugly.
I’m sorry for being fat.
I’m sorry for not being good enough.
I’m sorry for being me
and I promise that I’ll stop.
If the main goal of living
is to follow your dreams,
then why am I still here?
My dreams will never come true
and hanging around is really
only torturing myself by thinking
about the what-ifs when
there was never even a what.
Hearing “you are enough”
is far more comforting than
“you’ll be fine” ever is.
I think I’m more likely
to have my troubles dissappear
by finding the bottom of a bridge
than at the bottom of the rainbow.
They say at the bottom of the rainbow
there is a pot of gold
but I am at the bottom
and I promise you there is no gold here.
Just disappointment and broken dreams
which you can find anywhere really.
So why unstick yourself from the pillows
you’ve been crying into for three hours?
Save yourself from searching
for the happiness you hope is out there
at the bottom of some rainbow for you
because there is not.
It’s just much the same
so just protect yourself
from getting your hopes up.
There’s nothing out there
worth living for.