I wish I was someone worth loving.
I wish I had goals and ambition
and a desire for a career
like women of this society are
expected to want to want these days,
but I don’t.
I wish I looked the way that
boy want me to look
so that I could be someone worth loving,
that I could be thin with big boobs
and a natural blonde with a pleasing face,
but I’m not.
I wish I had something to offer the world
so that I could be someone worth loving;
maybe a skill or talent,
or even money to give the less fortunate,
or time or influence or anything really,\
but I don’t.
I wish I could be someone worth loving
so that maybe I could stop hating myself.
I’m sorry for always falling short.
I’m sorry for the disappointment I cause.
I’m sorry for taking up time.
I’m sorry for being a problem.
I’m sorry for being less than what you deserve.
I’m sorry for not being what you want.
I’m sorry for being ugly.
I’m sorry for being fat.
I’m sorry for not being good enough.
I’m sorry for being me
and I promise that I’ll stop.
If the main goal of living
is to follow your dreams,
then why am I still here?
My dreams will never come true
and hanging around is really
only torturing myself by thinking
about the what-ifs when
there was never even a what.
Hearing “you are enough”
is far more comforting than
“you’ll be fine” ever is.
I think I’m more likely
to have my troubles dissappear
by finding the bottom of a bridge
than at the bottom of the rainbow.
They say at the bottom of the rainbow
there is a pot of gold
but I am at the bottom
and I promise you there is no gold here.
Just disappointment and broken dreams
which you can find anywhere really.
So why unstick yourself from the pillows
you’ve been crying into for three hours?
Save yourself from searching
for the happiness you hope is out there
at the bottom of some rainbow for you
because there is not.
It’s just much the same
so just protect yourself
from getting your hopes up.
There’s nothing out there
worth living for.
It is dangerous to dream
bigger than the moment
you are already living.
It may be easy to dream
of long white curtains
billowing in a warm breeze
or a four-poster bed with
soft pink petals scattered
across bright, white sheets
that are as fresh and as pure as you;
maybe later you’ll be tangled in them
as you watch the sunset
over the ocean out your window
with the love of your life
shortly after you dedicated
your lives to be spent with each other.
Seems simple enough of a dream,
But that can be ripped from you
long before you ever get close
to touching that dream.
So dream simply of small things
like your first margarita
because the odds of someone
shoving that down your throat
against your will
is a lot less likely than other things…
take it from me.
What is life but a huge disappointment?
You make dreams that don’t come true
which fills you with resentment.
Even you begin to hate you
for not being able to follow your dreams.
It’s much easier to do the leaving
than to be the left behind.
While you are all off to do
all new things
in all new places
with all new people,
I’m left with the same life
I’ve lived for many years before
except it’s different now
because you’re not here
to experience it with me.
Not a lot of exciting things happen to me
that you haven’t heard of lived before
but I get to hear all your exciting
stories from around the country
and realize how stuck I really am.
I’m glad my friends get to go on
such exciting adventures, I am.
But sometimes they don’t realize
that in the wake of their new experiences
I am left behind with no one
to do something as simple as
get a coffee with
because my closest best friend
is at now four hours away
and that makes life very lonely.