Busy, Downtown Street

I find myself standing

on a busy, downtown street.

As the crowd bustles on,

I can only shuffle my feet.

I feel so small

surrounded by the towers.

The everyday noise

my senses, it overpowers

I know I must do what I can

to make myself heard

even if I only have energy

for just one single word.

I take a deep breath

and gather my strength

to give it some volume

and meaningful length.

I scream it from

the top of my lungs,

loud enough to shake

nearby ladder rungs.

Only no one heard me

and my final cry’

for at the same exact moment

a large truck drove by.

I know it’s no ones fault,

the timing was poor;

but I have no ability

to try once more.

So I’m destined to be

yet another lost soul

Who’s cries for help

were mistaken for lull.

I find myself standing

on an busy downtown street.

As the crowd bustles on, ‘

I can only shuffle my feet.

A Rock in Your Shoe

When walking along a path,

you may find a rock in your shoe.

It may cause you pain over and over,

until you give in and ignore it

or take your show off and remove the rock.

When choosing to remove the rock,

one must be careful to not pick up

something to cause more sharp pain

like a piece of glass when you

dip your toes back in your shoe.

You may think you were making

your situation better by not allowing

yourself to be burdened by repeated pain

when actually you are opening up

to deeper, intense pain like me.

Don’t be a fool like me.

Safety Blanket

What was your safety blanket as a child?

Mine had Noah’s ark and ruffles on the edges.

Or maybe it was a toy that made you feel

secure and melted your troubles away.

As you grew up, what did you turn to

to get that same feeling of safety?

What makes you feel secure and loved?

I haven’t had a safety blanket in about 15 years,

Those ideas of security and safety are just concepts

that I can’t grasp my insecure head around.

I crave those feelings but most days it’s like

I’m grasping at straws hidden in a foggy haze.

I long to find that one thing that brings my innocence back

since it always finds ways to be taken from me.

So I ask again, what makes you feel safe and secure?

Or  am I destined for a life on the edge of uncertainty?

Look in the Mirror

Look in the mirror

and what do I see?

All the reasons

no one will ever

want to love me.

My chin is round.

My face is lumpy.

My fat rolls make

me far to bumpy.

My lips are chap.

My teeth are not straight.

Is it really a wonder

I’ll never find a date?

My image is too wide.

My arms have fat that flaps.

I waddle, not walk,

each step my thigh claps.

My stomach is attrocious.

My legs have no appeal.

I’m going to die alone.

I’m only being real.

 

Isn’t It Funny?

Isn’t it funny how

concerned you are now that

if I go to the store,

I could catch an illness

and die,

but yet

where was this concern when

an illness was inside me

making me want to die

the last nine fucking years?

What I Needed

I needed you

on that cold January day

when I met to get my fix.

 

I needed you

when you denied me

and left me in the dirt.

 

I needed you

as my eyes froze

shut with tears.

 

I needed you

as my hand clutched

the pill bottle in my pocket.

 

I needed you

to keep me from myself

ending my life.

 

I needed you

and you left me there

to pick my own self up.

 

I needed you

but I don’t now,

That was 7 long years ago.

 

I don’t need you anymore.

 

A Million Thoughts…

A million dreams sound beautiful,

poetic, hopeful.

But have you ever had a million thoughts

racing through your mind at the same time?

Because it’s actually a fucking disaster.

Forget about dreaming about

the world we’re gonna make.

I just wonder about this bed I’m supposed to make

and how the idea is just entirely overwhelming

in the grand scheme of things

when I can’t even get out of it

because I’ve already thought of 8 different ways

I’m going to end up in prison

for not wiping the germs off

of a damn toy car often enough.

and that’s just the last minute.

So trust me:

A million of something is keeping me awake

but I don’t think they’re dreams.

Reality Check

Reality Check:

Life’s a dick

and you’re only kidding yourself

if you think locking yourself

inside your house will

keep the bad things from happening to you.

It may keep out a stupid virus,

but far worse things can happen

when you put somewhere

you feel too comfortable.

Trust me I know.

4 walls can keep out a lot,

but they also hold a lot in.