Suffocating

I feel like I’m suffocating.

I go through the motions every day

to live the life that is expected up me

but more often than not

I feel like I’m trapped in a life

that belongs to someone else.

I feel as though I am not my own person.

I am just the person everyone else

wants me to be. And I hate it.

I hate who I am, how I look.

I hate my backstory.

I have more regrets than I

could shake all the sticks in the world at.

I can’t change the things about me

to even try to live the life I want

so I keep on living the one I’ve got.

But why?

It’s pointless.

I’m not going anywhere.

Why bother even trying anymore?

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Days Like Today

On days like today,

it would be so easy

to do something as simple

as go for a drive

on the slick, white roads

and maybe go a little

faster than the speed limit

and lose the little control

I have in my life.

 

On days like today

it would be so easy

to just give in;

to just let go

and give up;

to fall off course

and have an accident…

or what looks like one.

What’s one more mistake?

Tinkerbell

I’m very much like Tinkerbell.

I need attention or I’ll die.

Preferably positive.

OR at the very least to feel

like everyone important

in my small circle of loved ones

isn’t ignoring me.

I’m not asking for a party

or even to meet up.

Just a simple text

asking about my day

or to see if I’m okay…

because I’m not.

No Strangers Here

It’s one of the longest nights of the year

and my soul aches from the pressure it brings.

As the darkness surrounds me,

I open my eyes and see much the same.

I lay in the small, worn bed of my childhood

as the silent tears glide down my face,

softly landing and expanding the never-ceasing puddles.

The tears are no strangers here.

My well-trained pillows are familiar with

muffling the screams and questions

that come straight from my damaged heart:

Why am I not good enough?

Why don’t I deserve love?

No one will ever love a damaged soul like mine.

My soul aches with the weight of carrying questions

that can never be asked or answered.

They are a burden I’m left to ponder

while staring at my ceiling,

trying to make out the faint details in the plaster

as I’ve done so many times before.

I’ve been here before.

I know I’ll be here again.

There’s no way to fix me

and even if there was,

it’s been made clear many times

that no one in my life will ever try.

I’m not worth it.

No one will wastes an “I love you”

on a girl destined to die.

 

Some Days

I don’t like the way I look,

for there is very little I can do to change it.

Believe me, I’ve tried many times.

I eat healthily, gain weight.

I go to the gym four times a week, pants don’t fit.

I do the expensive programs and the result?

my wallet slimmer, not me.

I do what I can to accept this is who I am though.

I’ll just always be a big girl.

It is what it is.

However, some days this is harder than others.

Like yesterday when I was getting dressed

and I found a new stretch mark.

I went back to bed and cried for three hours.

Why can’t I be someone else?

 

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait

They say “good things come to those who wait”…

but do they?

That’s what I believed for 15 years

because  that’s what I was taught;

that’s what I was preached.

I was told that good things would come

if I waited until I was married

and loved

and cared for.

Good things would come if I was patient;

if I followed the rules;

if I trusted in God.

And I did.

I did everything I was supposed to do.

So where were my good things?

All I got was trauma;

and nightmares.

and the fear no one will ever want or love me now.

I am damaged.

I am broken.

But

I did what I was supposed to do.

I was waiting

but someone else decided I was not,

So I guess I don’t deserve good things.

Those Words

“You’re such a spoiled brat.

I don’t have time for your petty problems.

I have to take care of myself.”

Those are the words you yelled at me

as I sat in the hall

after you hung up on my friend

who told you I was going to try to kill myself.

Coincidentally,

those are also the words you yelled at me

when I decided that I hated you

because I knew at that point

I could never forgive you.