The Last Time

I can’t recall the last time someone looked at me

and told me what they like about me.

I can’t remember the last time someone gave me

an ounce of hope that maybe I am pretty.

I can’t distinguish in my mind the last time someone

made me feel good about myself…

but I can sure as hell give you a list

of all the times someone told me the opposite

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I Wish I Was Someone Worth Loving

I wish I was someone worth loving.

I wish I had goals and ambition

and a desire for a career

like women of this society are

expected to want to want these days,

but I don’t.

 

I wish I looked the way that

boy want me to look

so that I could be someone worth loving,

that I could be thin with big boobs

and a natural blonde with a pleasing face,

but I’m not.

 

I wish I had something to offer the world

so that I could be someone worth loving;

maybe a skill or talent,

or even money to give the less fortunate,

or time or influence or anything really,\

but I don’t.

 

I wish I could be someone worth loving

so that maybe I could stop hating myself.

I’m Sorry

I’m sorry for always falling short.

I’m sorry for the disappointment I cause.

I’m sorry for taking up time.

I’m sorry for being a problem.

I’m sorry for being less than what you deserve.

I’m sorry for not being what you want.

I’m sorry for being ugly.

I’m sorry for being fat.

I’m sorry for not being good enough.

I’m sorry for being me

and I promise that I’ll stop.

But I Can’t, But I Won’t, But I Want to.

There are so many things I want to say,

but I can’t,

but I won’t,

but I want to.

 

I have questions I need to ask

but I can’t,

but I won’t,

but I want to.

 

I need to get my answers

but I can’t,

but I won’t,

but I want to.

 

I want to stop holding back,

but I can’t,

but I won’t,

but I want to.

 

I wish I could stop biting my tongue,

but I can’t,

but I won’t,

but I want to.

 

I want to end each call with I love you,

but I can’t,

but I won’t

but I want to.

 

I want to tell you how I feel,

but I can’t,

but I won’t

but I want to.

 

I want you to admit how you feel

but you can’t,

but you won’t,

but I want you to.

Bottom of the Rainbow

They say at the bottom of the rainbow

there is a pot of gold

but I am at the bottom

and I promise you there is no gold here.

Just disappointment and broken dreams

which you can find anywhere really.

So why unstick yourself from the pillows

you’ve been crying into for three hours?

Save yourself from searching

for the happiness you hope is out there

at the bottom of some rainbow for you

because there is not.

It’s just much the same

so just protect yourself

from getting your hopes up.

There’s nothing out there

worth living for.

This Hope

I once had this hope

that maybe my poems

would speak all the words

that I knew I could not;

That the right choice of words

and the right amount of something

that I did not have would be enough

when I knew that I was not;

That maybe the emotions

that I’m constantly holding back

would be felt in my writing

that I knew I could not share.

but I know they are not.

I still have this hope

that maybe someday they will

if  I would only share those poems

with the rest of the world

and not keep them to myself…

yet I know I will not.