What do I Want

As my undergraduate career comes to a close

in less than three weeks from today,

I’m finding that the amount of people that

are asking me what my plans are for

after I graduate is increasing substantially.

But the truth is that I really don’t have an answer

to satisfy their curious minds because

I truly don’t know what I am going to do.

Believe me: it’s more frustrating than you know.

I would love to have just one simple answer

to give upon request, but the thing is

that is so much harder to achieve than I thought.

There are so many options at my fingertips

that it is hard to pick just one to follow.

I tried on one, and decided I didn’t like it

and now I feel stuck once again.

As the world I know around me rushes to a close,

I find myself lost in the whirlwind with no direction

and it fills me with an anxiety I can’t describe.

People confront me and I don’t know what I want.

Well, I do.

It’s just not…

I don’t know: A possibility? Viable? Realistic?

It adds to my frustration even more.

I know when people ask me what’s next for me

they want information about my upcoming career,

but I guess the truth is that

that’s not what is important to me.

I have other matters of the heart and soul

to take care of first and until those are met

I can’t focus on anything else.

But my time is running out

and so is the money in my bank account.

I know I need to make a decision.

The pressure is on, but will I be a diamond?

Or will I just crumble?

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I Wish I Was Someone Worth Loving

I wish I was someone worth loving.

I wish I had goals and ambition

and a desire for a career

like women of this society are

expected to want to want these days,

but I don’t.

 

I wish I looked the way that

boy want me to look

so that I could be someone worth loving,

that I could be thin with big boobs

and a natural blonde with a pleasing face,

but I’m not.

 

I wish I had something to offer the world

so that I could be someone worth loving;

maybe a skill or talent,

or even money to give the less fortunate,

or time or influence or anything really,\

but I don’t.

 

I wish I could be someone worth loving

so that maybe I could stop hating myself.

Dangerous to Dream

It is dangerous to dream

bigger than the moment

you are already living.

It may be easy to dream

of long white curtains

billowing in a warm breeze

or a four-poster bed with

soft pink petals scattered

across bright, white sheets

that are as fresh and as pure as you;

maybe later you’ll be tangled in them

as you watch the sunset

over the ocean out your window

with the love of your life

shortly after you dedicated

your lives to be spent with each other.

Seems simple enough of a dream,

But that can be ripped from you

long before you ever get close

to touching that dream.

So dream simply of small things

like your first margarita

because the odds of someone

shoving that down your throat

against your will

is a lot less likely than other things…

take it from me.

Girls Like You

It must be nice to be you.

Girls like you that look like that-

tiny, thin, attractive.

What society wants girls to look like.

It must be nice to be able

to talk about your weight

and weight loss with ease

in public settings like the pool.

But it’s not for me.

I know everyone has their struggles,

and a different mountain to climb,

but when you sit 5 feet from me

and complain about going from

104 pounds to 110,

and calling yourself fat,

it kills me inside.

You are so thin.

You re so confident.

You are so beautiful.

I would give almost anything

to deal with your dilemma.

Because as you stated,

girls our height are supposed to weigh

one hundred forty pounds max.

You may be far beneath that,

but I am far above that

and hearing you flaunt this fact

while I am in earshot

right after I just worked my ass off

discourages me.

I wish I could flaunt confidence

the way you can flaunt your stomach,

but I can’t. I’m insecure.

And my progress is slow

and a long journey awaits me.

But please, just please

let me feel comfortable

and supported

and empowered to take it.

Don’t slow me down.

I have an extra 100 pounds

to do that for me.

 

Tinkerbell

I’m very much like Tinkerbell.

I need attention or I’ll die.

Preferably positive.

OR at the very least to feel

like everyone important

in my small circle of loved ones

isn’t ignoring me.

I’m not asking for a party

or even to meet up.

Just a simple text

asking about my day

or to see if I’m okay…

because I’m not.

Doors

 

These days,  I often find myself drowning

In trying to figure out what I want with my life.

There is an overwhelming amount of options

Forme to simply choose just one.

With graduation and my degree arriving

In the extremely near future,

It opens up for me enough opportunities to do

Just about anything I could ever imagine.

Which is just absolutely horrifying for me.  

Because of the limited amount of dreams

I’ve accumulated during my lifetime,

I have no idea what I want to door with my life.

I don’t know what kind of job I want

Or where on earth I want to live.

That means literally all the doors are open

And I could go anywhere and do anything

Which causes me immense anxiety

Because all the doors are equally exciting and plausible.

 

I suppose there is  one particular door

that I lean towards more than others

But I can’t go through it right now

unless somebody tells me to.  

I so desperately want to go through that door

But I can’t go through with it until

You give me your blessing.

But you say that now is not a good time.

The door isn’t on the table for this moment.

Which is completely fine because

I don’t want what lies behind that door

For this one particular moment in time.

I want where it leads.

I want the life that it goes to down the road.

I want the final product.

I want to follow the door that leads me to

Building the rest of my life with you

And you can’t build a life overnight.

 

These things take time.

And I worry if I don’t start opening those doors now,

It will be too late by the time your ready

Because I’ll  have had to open another door

And start to follow another path.

But that’s not what i want.

Since I don’t have  much in the way

Of hopes and dreams to follow,

I want to follow my heart.

I want to follow you.

Tell me I can open the door.

Tell me to follow you.

 

A Love Poem

I want to write a love poem,

but that requires not only someone to write about,

but someone to love.

And while I’m sure if I took a moment

and gave it some thought,

I could find someone to write a poem about

because it doesn’t take much for me to love someone.

I have a lot of love to share with the world

and if you’re important in my life,

I probably love you.

Family, friends, students.

If I can put your name to your face,

the odds are I love you.\

 

The problem is it takes something more

then just me loving someone

to write a good love poem.

Lovee poems need a certain magic

that only comes from being loved back.

A love poem is not nearly as heartfelt

as when there is a sense of an unbreakable bond.

At this time, the only unconditional love

that meets this condition in my life

is my dog.

And she can’t read sooooooo…

no love poems today.

 

A Letter to God

Hey,

It’s me.

I know it’s been a long while.

Things have been hard,

which I’m sure you’re aware of.

I’d like to say that I’m sorry that I stopped believing in you,

but can you blame me?

I prayed to you every single night

begging you to make things better,

to stop my demons,

but it was like you never heard me.

Every time I said I couldn’t take any more,

you came up with something else

to add to my already full plate.

You took the mother of my emotionally abusive father.

You moved my best friend, and only support, to a different school.

You took away our only income

and filled my head with horrible thoughts

Yet I tried.

I tried to keep believing

that you had something better

just around the corner

and if I just kept believing

and hoping

and trucking along,

I would see it.

So I did.

Until you know who happened

and did you know what to me.

Why would you let that happen?

Why would you punish me for following

YOUR rules.

I just couldn’t do it.

I couldn’t believe that anyone

who was supposed to watch over me

and have a  plan for me,

because he loved me,

would ever put such a horrible thing in my plan.

So I just stopped.

I stopped believing.

 

But maybe,

just maybe,

I’d like to believe again.

I’d like to believe that

someone else out there is making all the plans for me

since I really have no idea what I’m doing anymore.

But it’s hard for me.

I have trust issues

and you’re a big reason why.

I expected other people here on earth

to turn away from me

when I asked for help,

but I didn’t think you would too.

I want to trust in. you again though.

I want to feel loved again.

I would really like to feel like someone out there

not only wants my love

but wants to love me too.

 

As I said earlier,

things have been kinda rough lately,

but I’d like one more chance

if you’re willing to let me give you

one more chance too.

Just one good thing.

That’s all I ask.

In my string of hard times,

please give me something new to hold on to.

Something I can believe in.

Give me a sign that maybe,

just maybe,

you’re out there listening this time around.

Help me trust again.

 

Sincerely,

Me.