Recurring​

I’m sitting on the crisp, chilled railing,

wet with dew or my desperate tears

(I’m numb so I’m just not sure).

Two feet dangling far above the water,

reflected back to me on the midnight surface

calling me closer to the glass below,

but that is not what is taunting me.

It’s the wall build-up in front of me.

There are many walls in my life,

built to keep me from finding happiness

but this one is real and I envy it

for it know things that I guess I never will.

I never thought unmoving cement

could be more valuable than me,

could be more deserving than me,

but yet it has been given things

that I can never earn.

But yet I still have hope.

So I give it one more chance.

Maybe, just maybe this time

I’ll know those feelings once.

I pick up my phone,

wait an eternity for one,

two, three rings

before I here a hello,

sturdy, reliable as ever.

I do not wait precious time,

knowing I have little left to spare.

I jump straight to the chase

and say the words that need a response.

The pause is fat and painful.

the delay hurts me to my core

knowing this time, like every time

the answer will be the same.

I do not wait for the answer,

I can’t feel more abandoned or betrayed.

Before I release my hands

and slip into the quiet unknown,

I saw my last farewell

“Dam I guess you win”.

But that dark, quiet unknown

that I think will let me escape

wakes me into reality

which is darker than any dream.

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Once I Saw My Future

I once had a dream

which was more like a vision

and I saw a future for me

with everything I ever wanted.

And then I had it again.

and again and again,

but I always woke up,

crushed by reality.

Even when the Big Man

spoke and told me

this is everything he has

planned for me for the future,

I was still hesitant to believe.

Because even if every word

he spoke is filled with truth

it doesn’t change the fact

that every day I get further

away from ever finding out.

Who am I to Believe?

Who am I to believe

that I can help others

find their place in the world

when I can’t even

find one of my own?

 

Who am I to believe

that everyone should dream

and pursue those dreams

when I can’t even

find one of my own?

 

Who am I to believe

that there is good in the world

and it is a joy to be here

when I can’t even

want to stick around?

Google” What are the Signs and Symptoms of a Soulmate?”

Wouldn’t it be nice if WebMD

could diagnose a condition called

falling in love?

Imagine doing a Google search

for “signs and symptoms

for having a soulmate”

likes it’s some disease or infection

that could be easily distinguished.

What kinds of things would be on this list?

Raging hormones? Increased laughter?

Pain in facial muscles from smiling so much?

Increased sweating? Risk of pregnancy?

Who is to say how to tell if someone

is the one you are meant to spend your life with?

Personally, I’d be more intersted in a

possible treatment option plan

because advice on how to proceed

when you’re pretty sure you’ve got

could probably come in handy.

A “talk to your doctor” would

not do a whole lot of good.

I wish this had a few great

home remedies.

Sorry mom, but I don’t think

ginger ale will be fixing this one.