There are days when I’ll just be
walking, driving, minding my business
when I feel the hole in my heart
scream at me for attention.
It feels like a bullet burst through my chest,
ripping my insides to shreds,
leaving me barely holding on
but only I know that this massive hole
that feels all consuming
and leaves me doubled over in pain
is only the size of an orange seed
and that’s all it will ever be.
Never bigger. Never smaller.
Not able to grow any longer
just like you.
I had already stuck the dagger into my chest
but you still felt the need to twist it.
People tell me to just breathe
but how am I supposed to get
the air into my lungs when I
am constantly suffocating
from the guilt that I feel
an drowning in the grief that
I should not be entitled to have?
Has it really only been a week?
How can I miss you so much?
You were never even mine to miss.
The guilt eats me alive daily
for thinking about how right now
you’re out living your best life
and I selfishly wish that you
were here with me instead.
What is wrong with me?
I have no reason to feel this way.
I know I shouldn’t anymore…
but I can’t help but think of you.
Sometimes it is just easier
to go and hide myself away
from the ones I care about the most
so that they don’t have to glimpse
just how broken I am.
I am the dark clouds that ruin
a sunny day with my presence
and no one needs me to be the one
that comes around and ruins the fun
so sometimes it is just easier
to go and hide myself away
The medication I take is strong
but apparently my demons are stronger.
I am the monster
selfish and swift
that would send you off
into a stage of
forever sleep.
I am the monster
who chose destruction
at my own hand
but yet I still find
the nerve to lay and weep.
There is an emptiness in me
that you at one time filled.
I am back to the way I was
but I can never be
that girl again because
you left a small hole
inside of me,
an orange seed that I
will never get back.
My grief for you
sneaks in to my heart
at the moments I
least expect it.
How am I supposed
to go through life
without thinking
at every high
and at every low
that you should be
right here with me
but yet…
you never will be.
At night, I lay awake
staring at the fan above
whirling round and round
wondering of all the things
that will never be because
you were muted without a sound.
Baffy Basics 