You are essential.
A main character
in the plot of my life.
You dominate my thoughts
and you are by far
a fundamental part
of be entire being.
You are critical to
my lasting survival
and resuscitate my dreams
by breathing life back in.
The significance you play
in my day to day life
confounds me always.
Yet with you I seem
to fall into oblivion
I would like to tell you
that I live my life
free of darkness these days,
but the truth of the matter is
that where there is sunshine,
there must be shadows.
I’d rather be picked last
in every game of kickball
for the rest of my life
than face yet another
Valentine’s Day single,
knowing once again
that no one picked me.
I am a car,
just trying to get
from point a
to point b
on slick, snow
covered roads.
I’m just trying
to get a grip
and keep control
of my life
but I am
slipping and
sliding downhill
faster and faster.
I know that
pretty soon here
I am going to crash
and it is not
going to be pretty.
It’s going to
cost me far more
than a stupid mailbox.
I am putting
everything I’ve got
into getting to
my destination,
but my gut tells me
that I’ll never make
it there alive
A word-
So much power in just 6 spaces.
Your mouth and brain
are consumed by a vocabulary
with as many choices as
stars in the sky on a clear night.
A word
communicates your ideas clearly
and also leaves the water as murky
as Lake Erie crashing against shore-
creating worries and caution observing
what is obscuring you view.
A word
has many synonyms
that would instigate a large variety
of feeling within another human.
Yet you chose to use that one
knowing it would hurt me the most.
I put on a bandaid,
knowing it won’t be enough
to stop the bleeding.
But I tell myself
it’s only temporary.
It just has to last long enough
for me to find something better.
Surely there’s some glaze somewhere
at the back of the cabinet,
just waiting for me to find it.
Except, I forget to keep looking
for something more durable
until I realize the bandaid is gone.
So I put on another one.
and another one.
and another one.
And now the box is empty.
What do I do now?
I find myself standing
on a busy, downtown street.
As the crowd bustles on,
I can only shuffle my feet.
I feel so small
surrounded by the towers.
The everyday noise
my senses, it overpowers
I know I must do what I can
to make myself heard
even if I only have energy
for just one single word.
I take a deep breath
and gather my strength
to give it some volume
and meaningful length.
I scream it from
the top of my lungs,
loud enough to shake
nearby ladder rungs.
Only no one heard me
and my final cry’
for at the same exact moment
a large truck drove by.
I know it’s no ones fault,
the timing was poor;
but I have no ability
to try once more.
So I’m destined to be
yet another lost soul
Who’s cries for help
were mistaken for lull.
I find myself standing
on an busy downtown street.
As the crowd bustles on, ‘
I can only shuffle my feet.
Sometimes the worst part about being depressed
isn’t not having the energy to get out of bed for two days
or realizing you haven’t eatten a real meal in 3
or resorting to bad habits and addictions
or considering unhealthy habits that will only hurt you
or finding a dozen more reasons to hate yourself.
Sometimes. it’s wanting to tell the person you trust most
and not being able to for fear of being ignored again.
Isn’t it funny how
concerned you are now that
if I go to the store,
I could catch an illness
and die,
but yet
where was this concern when
an illness was inside me
making me want to die
the last nine fucking years?
I needed you
on that cold January day
when I met to get my fix.
I needed you
when you denied me
and left me in the dirt.
I needed you
as my eyes froze
shut with tears.
I needed you
as my hand clutched
the pill bottle in my pocket.
I needed you
to keep me from myself
ending my life.
I needed you
and you left me there
to pick my own self up.
I needed you
but I don’t now,
That was 7 long years ago.
I don’t need you anymore.
Baffy Basics 